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5 Places I Used To Love That Now Suck Because Of My Kid

We all have these places, whether it be an exotic locale or just a place where you buy your socks. Either way, just the thought of visiting your favorite places adds a little spring to your step. Then you have kids and they ruin them. These were mine.




1. The Beach

The beach used to be DOPE! Hanging out with your friends, maybe late night with a bonfire, sneaking some booze in a Sprite bottle, maybe taking a lil toke off that strangers j! Now it's taking two hours to pack up the car to make sure you have the right blankets, changing pads, 20 towels, three changes of clothes for the whole family, kids sunscreen for body, for face and hat, sunscreen for parents, water bottles, snacks, bug spray, floaties, whistle, Frisbee, shoes that can get wet, apple juice, aloe, huge umbrella...oh fuck it, let's stay home and watch Netflix.



2. Target

Target used the be the place I would go to forget my worries for a little bit. It's a wonderland of hair products and clothes and booze and f…

Can't take us anywhere

"This will be so fun!" 
Those have become famous last words around these parts. It usually pertains to an activity or event that we decide we should go to and take our almost 2 year old. We, like idiots, naively think it will inevitably be such a wonderful time that there is NO WAY anything could go wrong or result in an epic meltdown! Because we are amazing parents! 

HAHAAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHA! What a fucking stupid thing to think, dumb dumbs! No, it will be a giant failure that will result in over-imbibing to cope with your frustration in literally every scenario! 
The latest dumb shit idea was to take Bo to this free concert series at the park we go to all the time. Like assholes we got her a cookie, which angered her greatly. To display her disdain for our terrible choice to do something we thought she would like, she launched into a fit that will be talked about for years from those who witnessed it. In addition to the sounds she was making, which I'll get into, she a…

P.P.D.

9 Phrases That Need To Stop Being Said About Kids Like Five Minutes Ago...

1. "If a boy is mean to you, it means he likes you!"

Uh, no. If a boy is mean to you, maybe it's because he watches an adult male figure in his life be a dick to women so he thinks it totes cool. I like "If he's mean to you, it's because he's hurting really badly on the inside and has a poor role model at home. You deserve to be surrounded by people who make you feel good, and this person is not worth your time!"

2. "She is such a flirt!"

I'm sorry, person in this diner who I don't know at all who is referring to my BABY daughter as a "flirt" because she's smiling in your general direction, please refrain from sexualizing my kids behaviors. Maybe she's just being polite? Maybe she's smiling because you have coleslaw on your face and she thinks it's funny? Let's just stick to "She's adorable!", shall we? Thanks so much.

3. "I bet she's a Daddy's girl, isn't she! All girls …

My Dad

Yesterday, July 5th, my dad, Richard Albert, died.

He was diagnosed with Parkinson's about 12 years ago and from that developed an insidious type of dementia called Lewy Bodies, which causes a lot of physical issues and accelerates the Parkinson's decline. Basically he was served a shit sandwich with a side of fuck my life.

My dad was a quirky guy with a weird sense of humor. He used to play with me by chasing me around the house with a hammer and pretend he was going to smash my little toes. He would pack our lunches with a dog treat that he carefully tin foiled so when we would open it up at lunch all the other kids would laugh and scream. He made us waffles with ice cream in the middle for breakfast and ONLY creamed corn for dinner. He drank buttermilk from the carton. And prune juice.

He was private. He would take hour long poops just to be alone and think. He was a scientist and mathematician. He was always trying to work out these insanely impossible to solve equations i…

My kid sucks at sharing and it's probably NOT my fault!

My kiddo is rounding the two year old corner in a couple of months and she is sassy as all get out. She's a dancing queen, big eater, adventurous and has a scream that has literally given my husband tinnitus. She kicks some serious ass.

Also, she thinks sharing is for assholes and is having none of it.

Sharing is a big thing in the real world. We are expected to share our feelings, our food, our money, and if you're some of my more fun friends, our partners. We have the concept of sharing tamped down our throats from the moment we are blinking and breathing, and we as parents are made to feel like real butts if our kids aren't good at it. And not always by other parents, but other kids.

The latest example of that took place recently at this charming indoor playground we take her to once or twice a week. It's super fun for kids and their parents, and not just because it has a bounce house BUT also free wi-fi and coffee! Nothing like getting all gacked out on some free J…

Sure, that kid sucks but his parents suck more!

I am the last person on earth to be all romantic about parenting. I mean, come on, when I was pregnant I thought "You've got to be fucking kidding me?! THIS is how the human race has continued? This is straight bullshit!"
However, now that I am officially an adult with a human of her own, I acknowledge that there are some pretty steady responsibilities that one should assume in order to assure that said human is safe and developing well. Some of those responsibilities include feeding and clothing them. Providing shelter and safety. Soothing them when they're upset and helping them learn right from wrong. You know, the basics.

If I may I'd also like to add to that very basic list the concept of not raising your kids to be pieces of shit who slam into other kids and vomit their sugary disgusting drinks all over the play area then run off leaving the next group of kids to discover it and probably sit and play in it anyway, because kids are inherently disgusting.

You…

A MILF I am not....

Today as I was walking back to our house from the liquor store where I was picking up a selfie bottle of wine with my 13 pound Yorkie Dave, I came across two adolescent boys crouching down behind a short fence. I noticed they were either rolling a joint or just starting to smoke some weed. I smirked, fondly thinking back to those days when I would hide in my friends backyards smoking dirt pot and laughing at silly things. As we passed I gave them a "Hey dude, I'm cool" smile. After all, they have nothing to fear with me, a super cool, hip, millennial mom who is rocking dope new Target kicks that go perfectly with my purposefully ripped Target jeans.



I was sure that these two boys would recognize me for what I am: a chill, young women who is wearing her wine cozy over her shoulder and Lisa Loeb brand glasses that she picked up from Costco. They probably would even be shocked that I have a kid at all! They'd be all, "What? You? How?!" Frankly, I half expected…

The Box...that the morning after pill came in.

Look, I'm not going to beat around the bush here with this post. This is a photo gallery of my kid playing with the box that the morning after pill came in. And before any judgement is thrown around, let's just remind ourselves that we are all adults. And sometimes adults make poor judgement and responsibility calls. Sometimes adults go on the road to do stand up in a club in Arizona for four nights, and other adults upon their return have three vodka sodas. And on occasion, adults discuss how they'd like to have another baby soon, but the story for this one may simply be too depressing to retell gleefully at a family reunion down the line. 
In any case, view this as artistic and raw view into the world of a curious toddler who won't find a baby brother or sister in that box...at least not for another six months or so. 






Fin. 



5 Things I Thought Were Atrocious Until I Actually Had A Kid

1. Leashing Your Child

The first time I saw a kid being restrained by a leash by his exhausted mother I thought it was either a joke, like the kid thought it would be a fun game to wear the dogs leash, or they simply weren't shy about child abuse. I thought "How in the fuck can you show your face in public walking your kid LIKE HE'S THE FAMILY PET?!" But now that my child is approaching the two's like a freight train outta hell, I'm not going to pretend that if you go to my drop down window you won't find a couple of links to places that sell these sweet babies!

2. The TV Babysitter

Before I had my baby I would view those moms who just plop their child in front of the tv and expect them to not grow up to be the kinds of adults who own ferrets and wear socks with sandals as neglectful. "You should be enriching them with art and literature! Classical music and constant engagement!" I would think, while smugly sipping my cold brew coffee and thumbi…

Bo Cobb-Guest Blogger!

Hey everyone! Bo here! I'm doing a guest blog for my Mom! Since I'm not really talking yet, I decided to do more of a photo essay for you, so you can see what I've been getting into now that I'm 20 months!
The funny thing is, all of my Mom and Dad's friends who have kids told them that it gets easier when we get older, which is HILARIOUS!!! Oh man, I have shared a chuckle or two over that with some of my Gymboree friends! Anyway, here are a couple of snaps Mom took of me one night getting into some stuff I shouldn't!
The evening started with me watching my favorite musical, Shrek, with my parents. They figured I was occupied for two seconds and could step into the other room to clean up. This is always their first mistake.

I noticed that no one was looking for a brief second, so I went into the kitchen to see what was within arms reach, what would make the most noise when I yanked it down, etc.   This looks perfectly unsteady. Nice!
 Hmm, this drawer still open…

5 Current Fashion and Beauty Trends That Moms Have Been Doing All Along!

I love being a mom more than anything else, but I have to admit I do miss the old days when I was sort of on top of my fashion and trend game! However I’ve noticed that as of late, my mom friends and I are not only still on top of it, we are the trendsetters! Check out this list of current beauty and fashion trends that we have been doing already!

1-Fuller Eyebrows



Gone are the days of the thin, perfectly maintained brows that you plucked and waxed and threaded until all you had in the space between your eyes and your forehead resembled a John Waters ‘stache and the impression that you are always surprised. Now the look is reminiscent of a young Brooke Shields’ two fuzzy caterpillars sleeping peacefully.
Finding out that this was a new beauty trend was a lucky turn for this mom, because frankly I hadn’t paid attention to my eyebrows for about two years. At the moment I’m rocking a lighter version of The Peter Gallagher circa “American Beauty” and have been asked if I use a serum or go…

A Second Letter to our Downstairs Neighbor-Mom Hulking Out Edition

Dear Neighbor Downstairs

Oh my, what a day it's been! I had to teach this morning early so I got up around 7:20 or so, which is fairly reasonable for the employed, and was out the door by 8:00am. What fun I had with the 3rd graders I have the pleasure of teaching the basics of creative writing to! They are so full of life and creativity. It fills me with endless joy and enthusiasm for the future of our country after a day of teaching!
However, my afternoon wasn't so jolly as I got some bad news.  Oh the blow I took this afternoon after my husband read out loud to me yet another noise complaint from you, which is the third one. (I didn't feel the need to write you a letter for the second, since our landlord explained that she thought you may be one of those "people who just need to complain for attention") which made me feel sad for you. But now, dear neighbor, I've decided that you have crossed a boundary that few have ever crossed with a mother. You have has…

Dear GOP-Stay the Fuck Away from my Daughters Uterus

I started having sex when I was 15 years old.  I lost my virginity to some dude from a neighboring town of the Minnesotan suburb where I was living at the time. To this day I can't recall his name, but I think it started with a B...or an R. It was a letter of the alphabet for sure, so I'm a little closer to solving this case.
I was 15 years old and a sophomore in high school. I was a Varsity cheerleader, had hideous clear brackets for my braces, and met this guy at the Mall of America in line at the Hot Dog on a Stick. He was 18 and we humped in the front seat of his '89 Corolla (how sad is that, right? I can remember his shitty car but not his name?!) after dating for a couple of weeks. We didn't use a condom, it was painful and irresponsible and the worst. Thinking back on that now I don't know why I was so eager to rid myself of that pesky old hymen, but apparently I felt strongly that it was holding me back.
Evidentially it was, as I went on to have sloppy, uns…

Opinions Are Like Assholes, Everybody Has Three...

Recently I logged onto Facebook and one of the first entries in the feed I see reads:
"Parents, stop giving your kids iPads, you're creating idiots!" followed by a bunch of emojis I didn't understand, but it looked like Christmas Tree, Face with Tongue Sticking Out, Hands.

I barely know the person who posted this, however I'm pretty sure that they themselves don't have any kids of their own at the moment. Childless adults are pretty quick to judge parents, and God knows I did it constantly before I had my kid. Some phrases I would regularly utter would be:
"Oh my God, how could you let your daughter out of the house like that! That's shitty parenting!"
"Jesus Christ, shut that kid up already! No one wants to hear them screaming in Target/this airplane/museum/etc!"
"Are you serious? An iPad for a four year old? See, this is why kids are so stupid these days! Nice work, awful parent!".

The first statement was in reference to wh…

My Kid Started Walking And Now My Life Friggin' Sucks.

My 17 month old daughter started walking about two months ago.
I, like an idiot, encouraged her to do it. I would hold her hands and have her let go for a second, she'd wobble and fall, but discover it wasn't such a big deal. After a bit she got braver, taking some steps by herself before reaching for my hand again. Then one day she woke up and decided she wasn't going to need anymore of my lame ass help, she was on her own. And she was ready to fuck some shit up.

That was the day that my life really took a nose dive to sucksville, population 2. Well, three if you count our dog, Dave, who I'm pretty confident counts himself because his life sucks now too. We're all going down with this ship.

Look it wasn't like I didn't know this was coming. All of my other mama friends with kids who were walking already had a commonality among them. They'd say, "Oh, just you wait! It's going to be so crazy soon! You'll be more tired than you were when she …

Guest Writer for Real Mom Daily

Hey there! Check out this post I wrote for Real Mom Daily!







ANTI-VAXXERS RUINED MY HAPPY PLACE
By Amy Albert





I love Target.

I love the layout of the place: clothes next to the electronics, across from the seasonal decorations, which happens to be next to the soup. I love that I go there when I’m feeling down and need a little pick-me-up in the form of $5 underpants. I love that I can get all kinds of booze and a breast-pump kit on the same trip, and not only is it acceptable, it’s expected. It’s my happy place.

And someone tried to ruin it.

On this day my 15-month-old daughter Bo and I are taking our usual route (women’s clothes to Tide and Windex, to dog food, then around to baby stuff), and we stop in front of the baby-clothes aisle, where I always find the cutest things for my kid, which she will outgrow by EOD. I’m kneeling down looking for her size in this sweater with a fuzzy dog on it, and I hear a woman say, “Oh, what a beautiful baby!”

I couldn’t agree more, so I quickly stand…

Epic Parenting Fail: A Tutorial

If you're like me, you're just dying to have an epic parenting fail that you can laugh about one day, maybe. I went ahead and put together a little step by step guide based on a recent experience I had where I failed my ass off. Give this a try and soon you'll be failing epically like a pro!

What you'll need:
-To have left the bathroom door open accidentally.
-To have your husband out of town for a few days due to work, so you're alone.
-To have taken your eyes off of your toddler for about 20 seconds or so.

Got those things? Great! You're ready to have an Epic Parent Fail!

Step one: Leave your toddler in her seat enjoying her snack while watching the Sesame Street Christmas Episode for the 30th time in a row.

Step Two: Turn your back as you go into the kitchen to grab a La Croix.

Step Three: Return to where you were sitting only to find that your daughter had somehow unbuckled her strap and wasn't in the room anymore.

Step Four: Call out your daughters nam…