Skip to main content

Posts

5 Places I Used To Love That Now Suck Because Of My Kid

We all have these places, whether it be an exotic locale or just a place where you buy your socks. Either way, just the thought of visiting your favorite places adds a little spring to your step. Then you have kids and they ruin them. These were mine.




1. The Beach

The beach used to be DOPE! Hanging out with your friends, maybe late night with a bonfire, sneaking some booze in a Sprite bottle, maybe taking a lil toke off that strangers j! Now it's taking two hours to pack up the car to make sure you have the right blankets, changing pads, 20 towels, three changes of clothes for the whole family, kids sunscreen for body, for face and hat, sunscreen for parents, water bottles, snacks, bug spray, floaties, whistle, Frisbee, shoes that can get wet, apple juice, aloe, huge umbrella...oh fuck it, let's stay home and watch Netflix.



2. Target

Target used the be the place I would go to forget my worries for a little bit. It's a wonderland of hair products and clothes and booze and f…
Recent posts

Can't take us anywhere

"This will be so fun!" 
Those have become famous last words around these parts. It usually pertains to an activity or event that we decide we should go to and take our almost 2 year old. We, like idiots, naively think it will inevitably be such a wonderful time that there is NO WAY anything could go wrong or result in an epic meltdown! Because we are amazing parents! 

HAHAAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHA! What a fucking stupid thing to think, dumb dumbs! No, it will be a giant failure that will result in over-imbibing to cope with your frustration in literally every scenario! 
The latest dumb shit idea was to take Bo to this free concert series at the park we go to all the time. Like assholes we got her a cookie, which angered her greatly. To display her disdain for our terrible choice to do something we thought she would like, she launched into a fit that will be talked about for years from those who witnessed it. In addition to the sounds she was making, which I'll get into, she a…

P.P.D.

9 Phrases That Need To Stop Being Said About Kids Like Five Minutes Ago...

1. "If a boy is mean to you, it means he likes you!"

Uh, no. If a boy is mean to you, maybe it's because he watches an adult male figure in his life be a dick to women so he thinks it totes cool. I like "If he's mean to you, it's because he's hurting really badly on the inside and has a poor role model at home. You deserve to be surrounded by people who make you feel good, and this person is not worth your time!"

2. "She is such a flirt!"

I'm sorry, person in this diner who I don't know at all who is referring to my BABY daughter as a "flirt" because she's smiling in your general direction, please refrain from sexualizing my kids behaviors. Maybe she's just being polite? Maybe she's smiling because you have coleslaw on your face and she thinks it's funny? Let's just stick to "She's adorable!", shall we? Thanks so much.

3. "I bet she's a Daddy's girl, isn't she! All girls …

My Dad

Yesterday, July 5th, my dad, Richard Albert, died.

He was diagnosed with Parkinson's about 12 years ago and from that developed an insidious type of dementia called Lewy Bodies, which causes a lot of physical issues and accelerates the Parkinson's decline. Basically he was served a shit sandwich with a side of fuck my life.

My dad was a quirky guy with a weird sense of humor. He used to play with me by chasing me around the house with a hammer and pretend he was going to smash my little toes. He would pack our lunches with a dog treat that he carefully tin foiled so when we would open it up at lunch all the other kids would laugh and scream. He made us waffles with ice cream in the middle for breakfast and ONLY creamed corn for dinner. He drank buttermilk from the carton. And prune juice.

He was private. He would take hour long poops just to be alone and think. He was a scientist and mathematician. He was always trying to work out these insanely impossible to solve equations i…

My kid sucks at sharing and it's probably NOT my fault!

My kiddo is rounding the two year old corner in a couple of months and she is sassy as all get out. She's a dancing queen, big eater, adventurous and has a scream that has literally given my husband tinnitus. She kicks some serious ass.

Also, she thinks sharing is for assholes and is having none of it.

Sharing is a big thing in the real world. We are expected to share our feelings, our food, our money, and if you're some of my more fun friends, our partners. We have the concept of sharing tamped down our throats from the moment we are blinking and breathing, and we as parents are made to feel like real butts if our kids aren't good at it. And not always by other parents, but other kids.

The latest example of that took place recently at this charming indoor playground we take her to once or twice a week. It's super fun for kids and their parents, and not just because it has a bounce house BUT also free wi-fi and coffee! Nothing like getting all gacked out on some free J…

Sure, that kid sucks but his parents suck more!

I am the last person on earth to be all romantic about parenting. I mean, come on, when I was pregnant I thought "You've got to be fucking kidding me?! THIS is how the human race has continued? This is straight bullshit!"
However, now that I am officially an adult with a human of her own, I acknowledge that there are some pretty steady responsibilities that one should assume in order to assure that said human is safe and developing well. Some of those responsibilities include feeding and clothing them. Providing shelter and safety. Soothing them when they're upset and helping them learn right from wrong. You know, the basics.

If I may I'd also like to add to that very basic list the concept of not raising your kids to be pieces of shit who slam into other kids and vomit their sugary disgusting drinks all over the play area then run off leaving the next group of kids to discover it and probably sit and play in it anyway, because kids are inherently disgusting.

You…