Sunday, May 28, 2017

Sure, that kid sucks but his parents suck more!

I am the last person on earth to be all romantic about parenting. I mean, come on, when I was pregnant I thought "You've got to be fucking kidding me?! THIS is how the human race has continued? This is straight bullshit!"
However, now that I am officially an adult with a human of her own, I acknowledge that there are some pretty steady responsibilities that one should assume in order to assure that said human is safe and developing well. Some of those responsibilities include feeding and clothing them. Providing shelter and safety. Soothing them when they're upset and helping them learn right from wrong. You know, the basics.

If I may I'd also like to add to that very basic list the concept of not raising your kids to be pieces of shit who slam into other kids and vomit their sugary disgusting drinks all over the play area then run off leaving the next group of kids to discover it and probably sit and play in it anyway, because kids are inherently disgusting.


Anyway, just a take it or leave it suggestion! I'm off to scoop up my kid wearing a hazmat suit and hose her off in the parking lot thanks to that disgusting petri dish of yours!
Bye now!

Saturday, May 27, 2017

A MILF I am not....

Today as I was walking back to our house from the liquor store where I was picking up a selfie bottle of wine with my 13 pound Yorkie Dave, I came across two adolescent boys crouching down behind a short fence. I noticed they were either rolling a joint or just starting to smoke some weed. I smirked, fondly thinking back to those days when I would hide in my friends backyards smoking dirt pot and laughing at silly things. As we passed I gave them a "Hey dude, I'm cool" smile. After all, they have nothing to fear with me, a super cool, hip, millennial mom who is rocking dope new Target kicks that go perfectly with my purposefully ripped Target jeans.

I was sure that these two boys would recognize me for what I am: a chill, young women who is wearing her wine cozy over her shoulder and Lisa Loeb brand glasses that she picked up from Costco. They probably would even be shocked that I have a kid at all! They'd be all, "What? You? How?!" Frankly, I half expected that these two scamps would see how dope I was at first glance and offer me a hit of their green, to which I was shake me head and say, "Nah, playa, but thanks dude!" Then high five them both, and as I walked away they'd say to each other, "I hope we end up with bad ass chicks like her, she's boss!"

Sadly and horribly what actually happened was when these two 14 year old kids saw me that straightened up and hid their weed behind their backs and shhhh'd. When I said hello to them one responded with a "Hello ma'am."
 So, not only do these little fucks not view me as a super dope cool fresh young hottie with very fashionable eye wear, I'm a goddamn ma'am. 

                                            (I'm sorry, but look how f'ing cute these glasses are!)

I turned back to them ready to fire off some scathing retort about his unjust comment. The boys were frozen, watching me. They had a look of fear in their eyes. Not the kind of fear you get when you're afraid that someone is going to kick your ass or you're about to ask the girl of your dreams if she'll go to the dance with you, but the kind that you get when your parents or neighbors who are the same age as your parents catch you doing something you shouldn't. And they call them ma'am.

I decided not to word these two shits up about their inaccurate comment. I went home and opened up my bottle of wine that I could buy for myself because I'm a friggin' grown up. But I hope their parents ground those little shits for defamation!

Sunday, May 7, 2017

The Box...that the morning after pill came in.

Look, I'm not going to beat around the bush here with this post. This is a photo gallery of my kid playing with the box that the morning after pill came in. And before any judgement is thrown around, let's just remind ourselves that we are all adults. And sometimes adults make poor judgement and responsibility calls. Sometimes adults go on the road to do stand up in a club in Arizona for four nights, and other adults upon their return have three vodka sodas. And on occasion, adults discuss how they'd like to have another baby soon, but the story for this one may simply be too depressing to retell gleefully at a family reunion down the line. 

In any case, view this as artistic and raw view into the world of a curious toddler who won't find a baby brother or sister in that least not for another six months or so. 


Monday, May 1, 2017

5 Things I Thought Were Atrocious Until I Actually Had A Kid

1. Leashing Your Child

The first time I saw a kid being restrained by a leash by his exhausted mother I thought it was either a joke, like the kid thought it would be a fun game to wear the dogs leash, or they simply weren't shy about child abuse. I thought "How in the fuck can you show your face in public walking your kid LIKE HE'S THE FAMILY PET?!" But now that my child is approaching the two's like a freight train outta hell, I'm not going to pretend that if you go to my drop down window you won't find a couple of links to places that sell these sweet babies!

2. The TV Babysitter

Before I had my baby I would view those moms who just plop their child in front of the tv and expect them to not grow up to be the kinds of adults who own ferrets and wear socks with sandals as neglectful. "You should be enriching them with art and literature! Classical music and constant engagement!" I would think, while smugly sipping my cold brew coffee and thumbing through a well worn New Yorker magazine. Now I say to my former self, "Fuck off you ignorant a-hole! This is the ONLY way you will ever get ANYTHING done again! Ever! Also you haven't read a New Yorker magazine in your life, unless you count flipping through until you find the cartoon that you didn't quite get but would laugh at anyway!"

3. Bribing Your Children With Sweets

While I was walking down 5th avenue several years ago in NYC I witnessed a set of parents kneeling down having an intense conversation with a fussy kid. As I passed by I caught, "Lucas, if you don't hit your sister for the rest of the day we'll take you to Cold Stone, okay?" Lucas, who clearly knew how to work these two, smiled and nodded his head, pleased that he had won. I was shocked that these two adults, who were not only bigger but supposedly smarter as well, were being taken for a ride by this little shyster! "Way to set him up for failure by allowing him to get whatever he wants!" I muttered to myself. Flash forward to two days ago when my daughter was throwing a fit so epic I was afraid we were going to have to prove to the cops that we weren't kidnapping her! And in order to satiate my tiny, hard bargain driver, I got her a kid sized sundae so she would calm down. It worked, and I now think it's the best way to deal with anyone who's acting like an asshole.

4. Bringing Your Children To Restaurants

I was a waitress for about 10 years and every time someone would bring their unruly kids into an establishment where adults were supposed to enjoy the food an ambiance, AND let their demon seed run around, screaming while the parents would ignore them was utterly mind blowing to me! "Don't bring your fucking KIDS to a restaurant if they can't behave themselves! Jesus, what shitty parents!" I would bark to a fellow waiter friend, who would nod their heads in agreement. While I still think there are certain places that this should never be allowed, it turns out kids need to eat just like we do, and aren't cool with being left alone for hours on end just so we can catch up with our friends over a filet. Luckily, that's what booze was invented for!

5. Day Drinking

I'm just kidding, this is always cool with me. In moderation, of course! 

Friday, April 14, 2017

Bo Cobb-Guest Blogger!

Hey everyone! Bo here! I'm doing a guest blog for my Mom! Since I'm not really talking yet, I decided to do more of a photo essay for you, so you can see what I've been getting into now that I'm 20 months!
The funny thing is, all of my Mom and Dad's friends who have kids told them that it gets easier when we get older, which is HILARIOUS!!! Oh man, I have shared a chuckle or two over that with some of my Gymboree friends! Anyway, here are a couple of snaps Mom took of me one night getting into some stuff I shouldn't!
The evening started with me watching my favorite musical, Shrek, with my parents. They figured I was occupied for two seconds and could step into the other room to clean up. This is always their first mistake.

I noticed that no one was looking for a brief second, so I went into the kitchen to see what was within arms reach, what would make the most noise when I yanked it down, etc. 
 This looks perfectly unsteady. Nice!
 Hmm, this drawer still opens! Mom must've forgotten to put the safety thing on this one. Good to know!
 I'm just gonna see how loose this towel is....oh! Hello Father! Nice to see you again! I was just...checking out the foundation of this kitchen! Pretty solid!
At this point I could feel eyes on me, so I just casually brushed my fingers along the grip of the stove, which I'm always being told no about. If only my silly parents knew, that only fuels my desire!
With the fuzz nipping at my heels, I decide to return to the living room to give the impression that I'm rapt in this gripping musical adventure. I even force a chuckle or two. That really throws the old people off! But as soon as they go back to what they're doing...I grab one of my new shoes and head to the kitchen!
This right one seems like it would love a bath. And I'm just the right person to give it to them!
Here you go Righty! Almost there!
Even though I knew that Daddy was right there, I feigned ignorance, laughed a little and pushed the shoe into the water. Whoopsie! 

Before anyone could even blink I got old Lefty in there too. Mommy rushed to empty out the water, but the damage was already done. I stood there enjoying my work. Some of my best to date, IMHO. 

After that I moved on to the screen. This is where Mommy and Daddy really go wrong, because they think that if they put up a barrier between me and something they're trying to hide I don't go directly for it. Sigh...someday they'll get it I hope! 
In the first picture I'm starting to move the screen and am being told "No" and "Off limits" the whole time, but I'm a baby you guys! I "don't understand that yet!" 😂😂
This is a whole box of things my parents haven't unpacked yet. It looks like a bunch of papers and other things that would make a huge mess if I dumped it on the ground. 
Oh yeah, I'm really checking it out now. It's definitely one of those messy boxes. 
Welp, hm, let's just take a gander at how heavy this sweet lil baby is! 
Oh wow! Surprisingly light and easy to dump over! 
Out of the corner of my eye I see my Mom taking pictures of me, which she does constantly. Sometimes I like to mess with her to NOT dump over the boxes. Like, pretend she has any authority over my whatsoever. 
Here you go Mom, it's "off limits" like you said! (PS, the second she stopped taking pictures I dumped this over! I am an adorable evil genius!)

To end the night I pull off my top and do a little interpretive dance and tambourine bit to one of Shrek's solo's. It gives my old lady a kick, so why not give the people what they want, right? 

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

5 Current Fashion and Beauty Trends That Moms Have Been Doing All Along!

I love being a mom more than anything else, but I have to admit I do miss the old days when I was sort of on top of my fashion and trend game! However I’ve noticed that as of late, my mom friends and I are not only still on top of it, we are the trendsetters! Check out this list of current beauty and fashion trends that we have been doing already!

1-Fuller Eyebrows

Gone are the days of the thin, perfectly maintained brows that you plucked and waxed and threaded until all you had in the space between your eyes and your forehead resembled a John Waters ‘stache and the impression that you are always surprised. Now the look is reminiscent of a young Brooke Shields’ two fuzzy caterpillars sleeping peacefully.
Finding out that this was a new beauty trend was a lucky turn for this mom, because frankly I hadn’t paid attention to my eyebrows for about two years. At the moment I’m rocking a lighter version of The Peter Gallagher circa “American Beauty” and have been asked if I use a serum or go to a specialist for this look. When revealing my secret, I always lean in and whisper “A tidy combination of exhaustion and not giving a fuck. “

2-Unwashed Hair

“How often do you wash your hair?” my stylist asked me a couple of years ago. “I don’t know, two or three times a week I guess.” I replied. She sucked her teeth for a moment, shook her perfectly coifed head and said, “No more. Once a week at the most. It get’s good after five days and beyond!”
What some would refer to as “dirty, greasy hair” is now called “beach waves” or “sex hair”. Ever take a stroll through the Trader Joe’s parking lot in Silverlake? It’s nothing but a bunch of beautiful people with filthy locks enjoying their half-cafes with almond milk and discussing their next indie project inspired by Shia Labeouf. For moms however this look is simply referred to as “How I look now.”

3-Ombre Hair Color

To compliment your dirty ass hair are dark ass roots! Every hot chick in LA has this going on. They call this an Ombre, where the roots are dark and it gets lighter towards the bottom. You know, like how every mom of a small child’s hair is right now, except they don’t pay a gazillion dollars to get it done like that. Ladies, no need to spend all your money trying to achieve a look you naturally get by simply not having the time to go to a salon and sit for several hours reading magazines. I think they should change the name of this style to a “Mombre”. Who’s with me?

4. Natural Nails

In 2017 the trend is leaning towards either natural nails or something called gray scale, which in most cases is simply the top of the nail being painted in a color I can only recognize as “dirty water”, but I’m no expert! So basically it looks like a gel manicure that was done two months ago but you simply can’t find the time to go to the damn nail place so they can apply their magic potion in those tin foil witch finger things for 30 minutes for the color to be removed. This is also a look moms have rocked for a while called “I napped instead”.

5. Bush is back baby!

That’s right gals, you’ve heard the rumors and I’m here to confirm them. Grow out them bushes because spring has sprung! Gone are the days of having a stranger pour hot wax on your nethers to rip out all your pubes and give your vag the appearance of a freshly plucked turkey! Nowadays it’s all about hair down there! Most of the moms I know have been rocking out this full bush look since the 2nd trimester when their bellies got to be too big to bend over, and the amount of fucks that they gave in order to shave it whittled down to zero.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

A Second Letter to our Downstairs Neighbor-Mom Hulking Out Edition

Dear Neighbor Downstairs

Oh my, what a day it's been! I had to teach this morning early so I got up around 7:20 or so, which is fairly reasonable for the employed, and was out the door by 8:00am. What fun I had with the 3rd graders I have the pleasure of teaching the basics of creative writing to! They are so full of life and creativity. It fills me with endless joy and enthusiasm for the future of our country after a day of teaching!
However, my afternoon wasn't so jolly as I got some bad news.  Oh the blow I took this afternoon after my husband read out loud to me yet another noise complaint from you, which is the third one. (I didn't feel the need to write you a letter for the second, since our landlord explained that she thought you may be one of those "people who just need to complain for attention") which made me feel sad for you. But now, dear neighbor, I've decided that you have crossed a boundary that few have ever crossed with a mother. You have hastily and unknowingly crossed into what many would refer to as "Shit Town".

Shit Town refers to the delicate space that you enter into when you anger a mama lion. I am a mama lion, see,  and I take great pride in my...well, pride, if you will and at this point I insist that you do.

Your complaint, as I understand it, is that around 8:00am on a weekday you heard "the pitter-patter of little feet" which drove you over the edge. So much so that you were persuaded to record the sounds you heard from what you deemed as "the apartment above you." With the second complaint my husband and I explained to our building manager that we aren't usually up that early since our 18 month old, Bo, is never up before 8:30am. We're just lucky that way. However, on occasion I have to work in the morning! Ugh, I know right! It's like, what's my deal?! Trust me, I totally hear you, neighbor, but unfortunately in most cultures in order to feed and clothe my toddler I have to somehow bring in income, LIKE AN ASSHOLE!!! It's a shameful practice and my hope is that your complaints will somehow make a change in our society to push work times to noon or so, since you reported that "you work really late, and we're interrupting your sleep!"

My goodness, dear neighbor! What on earth do you do that an 8:00am pitter patter could injure you so? I did a little research and found a selection of answers. You are either a 1. Freelance Writer, 2. Air Traffic Controller, 3. Casino Dealer, 4. Firefighter, 5. Babysitter, 6. Mail Sorter.

What a list, right! You are a mystery wrapped in a tiny titted conundrum. After careful consideration about each of these professions it seems like the only logical conclusion is that you're either a mail sorter or an air traffic controller. Let me break down how I arrived at that, in case you're curious, which I'm sure you are, you playful spirit you!

You simply can't be a freelance writer, because that's what I am, and I work during normal hours. You know, after 8:00am and before happy hour. So that's not it.
You're not a casino dealer, because we live in LA and not Vegas or Reno, and you're not a firefighter or a babysitter, because you clearly lack normal human compassion for children or any other living thing, with the exception of your aging, giant dog, who the entire building feels awful for due to his incontinence and your lack of responsibility AND/OR cleaning products to sop up his runny poop that you dump from his doggy diaper into the front walk like the beacon of human class that you must be!

So I'm stuck on mail sorter or air traffic controller. An air traffic controller is supposed to be even keeled at all times, but according to this article about personal experiences deals with a great deal of stress, which in turn, may consequently turn them into sullen, shit tossing, asshole fuckshit dickheads, so that tracks. But a mail sorter in turn sorts mail all fucking day and, if my imagination serves me, can only have an orgasm during a national emergency or if the stamp price rises astronomically, which also works out in your favor!

In any case, ole neighbor oh mine, I'm gonna need for you to take it down about eight million percent on the bitchy, unfounded complaints. Because one, they're unreasonable, as we are adults and get up before midday. Also my baby is a baby and you should be sending us muffin fucking baskets on a weekly basis because of how quiet and late sleeping she is. Third, you should know that you're what I refer to as "a piece of shit". You're a 20 something year old, spoiled, sour, bitter little fucking twat. You sulk around and even what I say hello to you, you pull your dirty hooded sweat shirt down over your blood shot eyes and pretend that you didn't hear me. Not only is that childish and lame, but your "pretending" skills are sub par at best. If you need some pointers, I used to teach a character development classes at The PIT in NYC, so hit me up, I'll give you the "I fucking hate your face" discount.

All in all neighbor, what I'd like to recommend is that you move out of an apartment building. Because this, my dear, is communal living. It's not ideal in the sense that there are a ton of people under one roof. Did you not know that before you moved in? Did you think this was just one big ass house you were moving into by yourself? Ugh, that's a bummer wake up call, eh?

In any case, please go fuck yourself and stop throwing your poor dogs runny shit in the walkway, you nasty, poorly raised, snatch.