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Showing posts from January, 2017

Opinions Are Like Assholes, Everybody Has Three...

Recently I logged onto Facebook and one of the first entries in the feed I see reads:
"Parents, stop giving your kids iPads, you're creating idiots!" followed by a bunch of emojis I didn't understand, but it looked like Christmas Tree, Face with Tongue Sticking Out, Hands.

I barely know the person who posted this, however I'm pretty sure that they themselves don't have any kids of their own at the moment. Childless adults are pretty quick to judge parents, and God knows I did it constantly before I had my kid. Some phrases I would regularly utter would be:
"Oh my God, how could you let your daughter out of the house like that! That's shitty parenting!"
"Jesus Christ, shut that kid up already! No one wants to hear them screaming in Target/this airplane/museum/etc!"
"Are you serious? An iPad for a four year old? See, this is why kids are so stupid these days! Nice work, awful parent!".

The first statement was in reference to wh…

My Kid Started Walking And Now My Life Friggin' Sucks.

My 17 month old daughter started walking about two months ago.
I, like an idiot, encouraged her to do it. I would hold her hands and have her let go for a second, she'd wobble and fall, but discover it wasn't such a big deal. After a bit she got braver, taking some steps by herself before reaching for my hand again. Then one day she woke up and decided she wasn't going to need anymore of my lame ass help, she was on her own. And she was ready to fuck some shit up.

That was the day that my life really took a nose dive to sucksville, population 2. Well, three if you count our dog, Dave, who I'm pretty confident counts himself because his life sucks now too. We're all going down with this ship.

Look it wasn't like I didn't know this was coming. All of my other mama friends with kids who were walking already had a commonality among them. They'd say, "Oh, just you wait! It's going to be so crazy soon! You'll be more tired than you were when she …

Guest Writer for Real Mom Daily

Hey there! Check out this post I wrote for Real Mom Daily!







ANTI-VAXXERS RUINED MY HAPPY PLACE
By Amy Albert





I love Target.

I love the layout of the place: clothes next to the electronics, across from the seasonal decorations, which happens to be next to the soup. I love that I go there when I’m feeling down and need a little pick-me-up in the form of $5 underpants. I love that I can get all kinds of booze and a breast-pump kit on the same trip, and not only is it acceptable, it’s expected. It’s my happy place.

And someone tried to ruin it.

On this day my 15-month-old daughter Bo and I are taking our usual route (women’s clothes to Tide and Windex, to dog food, then around to baby stuff), and we stop in front of the baby-clothes aisle, where I always find the cutest things for my kid, which she will outgrow by EOD. I’m kneeling down looking for her size in this sweater with a fuzzy dog on it, and I hear a woman say, “Oh, what a beautiful baby!”

I couldn’t agree more, so I quickly stand…

Epic Parenting Fail: A Tutorial

If you're like me, you're just dying to have an epic parenting fail that you can laugh about one day, maybe. I went ahead and put together a little step by step guide based on a recent experience I had where I failed my ass off. Give this a try and soon you'll be failing epically like a pro!

What you'll need:
-To have left the bathroom door open accidentally.
-To have your husband out of town for a few days due to work, so you're alone.
-To have taken your eyes off of your toddler for about 20 seconds or so.

Got those things? Great! You're ready to have an Epic Parent Fail!

Step one: Leave your toddler in her seat enjoying her snack while watching the Sesame Street Christmas Episode for the 30th time in a row.

Step Two: Turn your back as you go into the kitchen to grab a La Croix.

Step Three: Return to where you were sitting only to find that your daughter had somehow unbuckled her strap and wasn't in the room anymore.

Step Four: Call out your daughters nam…