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Showing posts from May, 2017

Sure, that kid sucks but his parents suck more!

I am the last person on earth to be all romantic about parenting. I mean, come on, when I was pregnant I thought "You've got to be fucking kidding me?! THIS is how the human race has continued? This is straight bullshit!"
However, now that I am officially an adult with a human of her own, I acknowledge that there are some pretty steady responsibilities that one should assume in order to assure that said human is safe and developing well. Some of those responsibilities include feeding and clothing them. Providing shelter and safety. Soothing them when they're upset and helping them learn right from wrong. You know, the basics.

If I may I'd also like to add to that very basic list the concept of not raising your kids to be pieces of shit who slam into other kids and vomit their sugary disgusting drinks all over the play area then run off leaving the next group of kids to discover it and probably sit and play in it anyway, because kids are inherently disgusting.


A MILF I am not....

Today as I was walking back to our house from the liquor store where I was picking up a selfie bottle of wine with my 13 pound Yorkie Dave, I came across two adolescent boys crouching down behind a short fence. I noticed they were either rolling a joint or just starting to smoke some weed. I smirked, fondly thinking back to those days when I would hide in my friends backyards smoking dirt pot and laughing at silly things. As we passed I gave them a "Hey dude, I'm cool" smile. After all, they have nothing to fear with me, a super cool, hip, millennial mom who is rocking dope new Target kicks that go perfectly with my purposefully ripped Target jeans.

I was sure that these two boys would recognize me for what I am: a chill, young women who is wearing her wine cozy over her shoulder and Lisa Loeb brand glasses that she picked up from Costco. They probably would even be shocked that I have a kid at all! They'd be all, "What? You? How?!" Frankly, I half expected…

The Box...that the morning after pill came in.

Look, I'm not going to beat around the bush here with this post. This is a photo gallery of my kid playing with the box that the morning after pill came in. And before any judgement is thrown around, let's just remind ourselves that we are all adults. And sometimes adults make poor judgement and responsibility calls. Sometimes adults go on the road to do stand up in a club in Arizona for four nights, and other adults upon their return have three vodka sodas. And on occasion, adults discuss how they'd like to have another baby soon, but the story for this one may simply be too depressing to retell gleefully at a family reunion down the line. 
In any case, view this as artistic and raw view into the world of a curious toddler who won't find a baby brother or sister in that least not for another six months or so. 


5 Things I Thought Were Atrocious Until I Actually Had A Kid

1. Leashing Your Child

The first time I saw a kid being restrained by a leash by his exhausted mother I thought it was either a joke, like the kid thought it would be a fun game to wear the dogs leash, or they simply weren't shy about child abuse. I thought "How in the fuck can you show your face in public walking your kid LIKE HE'S THE FAMILY PET?!" But now that my child is approaching the two's like a freight train outta hell, I'm not going to pretend that if you go to my drop down window you won't find a couple of links to places that sell these sweet babies!

2. The TV Babysitter

Before I had my baby I would view those moms who just plop their child in front of the tv and expect them to not grow up to be the kinds of adults who own ferrets and wear socks with sandals as neglectful. "You should be enriching them with art and literature! Classical music and constant engagement!" I would think, while smugly sipping my cold brew coffee and thumbi…