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5 Things I Thought Were Atrocious Until I Actually Had A Kid

1. Leashing Your Child

The first time I saw a kid being restrained by a leash by his exhausted mother I thought it was either a joke, like the kid thought it would be a fun game to wear the dogs leash, or they simply weren't shy about child abuse. I thought "How in the fuck can you show your face in public walking your kid LIKE HE'S THE FAMILY PET?!" But now that my child is approaching the two's like a freight train outta hell, I'm not going to pretend that if you go to my drop down window you won't find a couple of links to places that sell these sweet babies!

2. The TV Babysitter

Before I had my baby I would view those moms who just plop their child in front of the tv and expect them to not grow up to be the kinds of adults who own ferrets and wear socks with sandals as neglectful. "You should be enriching them with art and literature! Classical music and constant engagement!" I would think, while smugly sipping my cold brew coffee and thumbing through a well worn New Yorker magazine. Now I say to my former self, "Fuck off you ignorant a-hole! This is the ONLY way you will ever get ANYTHING done again! Ever! Also you haven't read a New Yorker magazine in your life, unless you count flipping through until you find the cartoon that you didn't quite get but would laugh at anyway!"

3. Bribing Your Children With Sweets

While I was walking down 5th avenue several years ago in NYC I witnessed a set of parents kneeling down having an intense conversation with a fussy kid. As I passed by I caught, "Lucas, if you don't hit your sister for the rest of the day we'll take you to Cold Stone, okay?" Lucas, who clearly knew how to work these two, smiled and nodded his head, pleased that he had won. I was shocked that these two adults, who were not only bigger but supposedly smarter as well, were being taken for a ride by this little shyster! "Way to set him up for failure by allowing him to get whatever he wants!" I muttered to myself. Flash forward to two days ago when my daughter was throwing a fit so epic I was afraid we were going to have to prove to the cops that we weren't kidnapping her! And in order to satiate my tiny, hard bargain driver, I got her a kid sized sundae so she would calm down. It worked, and I now think it's the best way to deal with anyone who's acting like an asshole.

4. Bringing Your Children To Restaurants

I was a waitress for about 10 years and every time someone would bring their unruly kids into an establishment where adults were supposed to enjoy the food an ambiance, AND let their demon seed run around, screaming while the parents would ignore them was utterly mind blowing to me! "Don't bring your fucking KIDS to a restaurant if they can't behave themselves! Jesus, what shitty parents!" I would bark to a fellow waiter friend, who would nod their heads in agreement. While I still think there are certain places that this should never be allowed, it turns out kids need to eat just like we do, and aren't cool with being left alone for hours on end just so we can catch up with our friends over a filet. Luckily, that's what booze was invented for!

5. Day Drinking


I'm just kidding, this is always cool with me. In moderation, of course! 


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