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A MILF I am not....

Today as I was walking back to our house from the liquor store where I was picking up a selfie bottle of wine with my 13 pound Yorkie Dave, I came across two adolescent boys crouching down behind a short fence. I noticed they were either rolling a joint or just starting to smoke some weed. I smirked, fondly thinking back to those days when I would hide in my friends backyards smoking dirt pot and laughing at silly things. As we passed I gave them a "Hey dude, I'm cool" smile. After all, they have nothing to fear with me, a super cool, hip, millennial mom who is rocking dope new Target kicks that go perfectly with my purposefully ripped Target jeans.



I was sure that these two boys would recognize me for what I am: a chill, young women who is wearing her wine cozy over her shoulder and Lisa Loeb brand glasses that she picked up from Costco. They probably would even be shocked that I have a kid at all! They'd be all, "What? You? How?!" Frankly, I half expected that these two scamps would see how dope I was at first glance and offer me a hit of their green, to which I was shake me head and say, "Nah, playa, but thanks dude!" Then high five them both, and as I walked away they'd say to each other, "I hope we end up with bad ass chicks like her, she's boss!"



Sadly and horribly what actually happened was when these two 14 year old kids saw me that straightened up and hid their weed behind their backs and shhhh'd. When I said hello to them one responded with a "Hello ma'am."
 So, not only do these little fucks not view me as a super dope cool fresh young hottie with very fashionable eye wear, I'm a goddamn ma'am. 

                                            (I'm sorry, but look how f'ing cute these glasses are!)

I turned back to them ready to fire off some scathing retort about his unjust comment. The boys were frozen, watching me. They had a look of fear in their eyes. Not the kind of fear you get when you're afraid that someone is going to kick your ass or you're about to ask the girl of your dreams if she'll go to the dance with you, but the kind that you get when your parents or neighbors who are the same age as your parents catch you doing something you shouldn't. And they call them ma'am.

I decided not to word these two shits up about their inaccurate comment. I went home and opened up my bottle of wine that I could buy for myself because I'm a friggin' grown up. But I hope their parents ground those little shits for defamation!

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