Skip to main content

9 Phrases That Need To Stop Being Said About Kids Like Five Minutes Ago...

1. "If a boy is mean to you, it means he likes you!"

Uh, no. If a boy is mean to you, maybe it's because he watches an adult male figure in his life be a dick to women so he thinks it totes cool. I like "If he's mean to you, it's because he's hurting really badly on the inside and has a poor role model at home. You deserve to be surrounded by people who make you feel good, and this person is not worth your time!"

2. "She is such a flirt!"

I'm sorry, person in this diner who I don't know at all who is referring to my BABY daughter as a "flirt" because she's smiling in your general direction, please refrain from sexualizing my kids behaviors. Maybe she's just being polite? Maybe she's smiling because you have coleslaw on your face and she thinks it's funny? Let's just stick to "She's adorable!", shall we? Thanks so much.

3. "I bet she's a Daddy's girl, isn't she! All girls just LOVE their Daddy's!"

Yup, uh-huh! She's IS a Daddy's girl. She's also a Mommy's girl! Because we're her parents and both had something to do with it, so please stop inadvertently pitting us against each other. She's both of ours.

4. "She doesn't need to be smart, she's so beautiful!"

I will cut you.

5. "Just wait until she's a teenager! You're really in for it then!"

Thanks for this. I was a teenager once, and though I may have been considered challenging at that time, it's not guaranteed that my daughter will emulate my behaviors. Also why aren't you saying that to my friend who's sitting next to me with her son? Is she not in for it? Also, we're all in for it, we are living in a world where Trump is our goddamn president, for the love of Pete! So back off and let me enjoy my time with my kid before he starts a friggin' war with Canada!

6. "I bet she loves dolls!" or "He probably loves playing with trucks!"

Okay, but before I get into how sexist that is, can you please tell me what it was like to transport here though time and space from the 50's? Did you travel in a time machine like Bill and Ted? Are you weirded out that women can vote now? Tell me everything!

7. "One day she and her husband will..."

One, she may not be into dudes. Two, she may be into dudes but not want to get married. Three, my intention is to raise her so she feel confident enough to do things on her own. Four, please get away from my kid immediately.

8. "Wow, he sure cries a lot. You'd better toughen him up or else people will think something is up!"

That "something is up?  Are you implying that people will think that my baby is gay? Because he's crying. Because he's a baby who is crying. The strongest men I know cry when they're upset, because they know that its healthy to let it out. It's the men who don't cry ever who are a bit concerning, don't you think? Because, don't like sociopaths not cry?

9. Calling a little boy "Boss" as a nickname and "Sweetheart" to a girl as a nickname.

Pardon, but put your thing down, flip it and reverse that. Like, this moment. I hate to burst your bubble, but I have proof that girls are also the boss. And it's because if it were up to me I wouldn't be hanging with a person who screams at me because they don't like the new shoes their mother picked out for them in this Target unless she was totally in charge. So clearly, my daughter is our boss. Also, sweetheart for a boy is totally acceptable and adorable, so maybe check out your insurance to see what your mental health coverage is and get yourself to a therapist stat. You got issues like woah.

















Comments

Popular posts from this blog

5 Things I Thought Were Atrocious Until I Actually Had A Kid

1. Leashing Your Child

The first time I saw a kid being restrained by a leash by his exhausted mother I thought it was either a joke, like the kid thought it would be a fun game to wear the dogs leash, or they simply weren't shy about child abuse. I thought "How in the fuck can you show your face in public walking your kid LIKE HE'S THE FAMILY PET?!" But now that my child is approaching the two's like a freight train outta hell, I'm not going to pretend that if you go to my drop down window you won't find a couple of links to places that sell these sweet babies!

2. The TV Babysitter

Before I had my baby I would view those moms who just plop their child in front of the tv and expect them to not grow up to be the kinds of adults who own ferrets and wear socks with sandals as neglectful. "You should be enriching them with art and literature! Classical music and constant engagement!" I would think, while smugly sipping my cold brew coffee and thumbi…

My Dad

Yesterday, July 5th, my dad, Richard Albert, died.

He was diagnosed with Parkinson's about 12 years ago and from that developed an insidious type of dementia called Lewy Bodies, which causes a lot of physical issues and accelerates the Parkinson's decline. Basically he was served a shit sandwich with a side of fuck my life.

My dad was a quirky guy with a weird sense of humor. He used to play with me by chasing me around the house with a hammer and pretend he was going to smash my little toes. He would pack our lunches with a dog treat that he carefully tin foiled so when we would open it up at lunch all the other kids would laugh and scream. He made us waffles with ice cream in the middle for breakfast and ONLY creamed corn for dinner. He drank buttermilk from the carton. And prune juice.

He was private. He would take hour long poops just to be alone and think. He was a scientist and mathematician. He was always trying to work out these insanely impossible to solve equations i…

A Letter to Our Downstairs Neighbor

Dear Downstairs Neighbor,

Welcome to the building/neighborhood! I hope you're adjusting well to the valley and have familiarized yourself with the shops and grocers! Valley Village is a wonderful place to reside, and I'm always here to answer any pressing questions regarding the local fair, so never hesitate to come on up!

You know, speaking of pressing matters, I did have something I wanted to discuss with you, neighbor. I heard from our landlord today and your name was mentioned, and sadly she told us that you made a noise complaint against us. Huge bummer!  She said something about how you, our brand new neighbor who's been here less than two weeks at this point, told her that we were too loud, we "dropped things" on the floor sometimes, and that our baby "cried on occasion" which was incredibly inconvenient for you.

My goodness, wow! I am so sorry we were bothering you so much! Let me be the first to apologize for our garish behavior, and please, gi…