Skip to main content

Can't take us anywhere

"This will be so fun!" 

Those have become famous last words around these parts. It usually pertains to an activity or event that we decide we should go to and take our almost 2 year old. We, like idiots, naively think it will inevitably be such a wonderful time that there is NO WAY anything could go wrong or result in an epic meltdown! Because we are amazing parents! 

HAHAAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHA! What a fucking stupid thing to think, dumb dumbs! No, it will be a giant failure that will result in over-imbibing to cope with your frustration in literally every scenario! 

The latest dumb shit idea was to take Bo to this free concert series at the park we go to all the time. Like assholes we got her a cookie, which angered her greatly. To display her disdain for our terrible choice to do something we thought she would like, she launched into a fit that will be talked about for years from those who witnessed it. In addition to the sounds she was making, which I'll get into, she also lost all control of her limbs and collapsed on the ground. At the same time it appeared she also gained about 100 pounds because no matter what my husband and I couldn't pick her up! She balled up all that cookie rage and transformed it into dead weight. And then of course there was the screaming. Not "tiny child screaming", but "there is a murder taking place in that windowless van" screaming.  Luckily, we were so far away from the music and crowd no one noticed. Oh, wait, no that's not what happened at all. In fact this whole gruesome scene took place literally feet from the stage in clear view of the hundreds of people there, and the band stopped playing for a sec and looked at that family of dick bags who can't manage to leave their homes without it being a shit show. YAY!!! 
The following two pictures were able to happen many minutes into the fit when my husband managed to figure out a way to pick her up so we could run from the scene as quickly as possible. Trust me, I would've recorded the whole thing, but I needed both my hands to try to wrestle my bear child. 


Popular posts from this blog

5 Things I Thought Were Atrocious Until I Actually Had A Kid

1. Leashing Your Child

The first time I saw a kid being restrained by a leash by his exhausted mother I thought it was either a joke, like the kid thought it would be a fun game to wear the dogs leash, or they simply weren't shy about child abuse. I thought "How in the fuck can you show your face in public walking your kid LIKE HE'S THE FAMILY PET?!" But now that my child is approaching the two's like a freight train outta hell, I'm not going to pretend that if you go to my drop down window you won't find a couple of links to places that sell these sweet babies!

2. The TV Babysitter

Before I had my baby I would view those moms who just plop their child in front of the tv and expect them to not grow up to be the kinds of adults who own ferrets and wear socks with sandals as neglectful. "You should be enriching them with art and literature! Classical music and constant engagement!" I would think, while smugly sipping my cold brew coffee and thumbi…

My Dad

Yesterday, July 5th, my dad, Richard Albert, died.

He was diagnosed with Parkinson's about 12 years ago and from that developed an insidious type of dementia called Lewy Bodies, which causes a lot of physical issues and accelerates the Parkinson's decline. Basically he was served a shit sandwich with a side of fuck my life.

My dad was a quirky guy with a weird sense of humor. He used to play with me by chasing me around the house with a hammer and pretend he was going to smash my little toes. He would pack our lunches with a dog treat that he carefully tin foiled so when we would open it up at lunch all the other kids would laugh and scream. He made us waffles with ice cream in the middle for breakfast and ONLY creamed corn for dinner. He drank buttermilk from the carton. And prune juice.

He was private. He would take hour long poops just to be alone and think. He was a scientist and mathematician. He was always trying to work out these insanely impossible to solve equations i…

A Letter to Our Downstairs Neighbor

Dear Downstairs Neighbor,

Welcome to the building/neighborhood! I hope you're adjusting well to the valley and have familiarized yourself with the shops and grocers! Valley Village is a wonderful place to reside, and I'm always here to answer any pressing questions regarding the local fair, so never hesitate to come on up!

You know, speaking of pressing matters, I did have something I wanted to discuss with you, neighbor. I heard from our landlord today and your name was mentioned, and sadly she told us that you made a noise complaint against us. Huge bummer!  She said something about how you, our brand new neighbor who's been here less than two weeks at this point, told her that we were too loud, we "dropped things" on the floor sometimes, and that our baby "cried on occasion" which was incredibly inconvenient for you.

My goodness, wow! I am so sorry we were bothering you so much! Let me be the first to apologize for our garish behavior, and please, gi…