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Showing posts from August, 2016

What they won't tell you part 2

People ask me all the time what has changed the most since giving birth to my daughter. Lack of sleep? they ask. No, that hasn't been too bad. Stretch marks? No, I'm okay in that arena. Peeing a little when you sneeze? Well, I always did that.

I have to say the one major thing that did change and will never go back to the way it butt hole. Yup. Butt. Hole.

My asshole is ruined. Probably forever, since it's been over a year since having my kid and it's still a war zone. Hemorrhoids have become a part of my life like shaving and the Kardashians. This is one of those things that NO ONE TELLS YOU!

Look, I don't do a lot with my asshole except the stuff it's designed to do. It's exit only for me down there, because I am a goddamn lady, though no judgment for those who are into that. In fact, I'm a little jealous that I didn't do more with it before it became a crime scene because that is now officially off the table. But I have always been fond…

This baby is cutting into my drinking time!

Man oh man, I used to be fuuuuunnnnnn! When I lived in New York for 10 years in my 20's, I could tie one on, then somehow get it untied and left on the tracks of the subway, find it later after it was dragged up by an industrial sized rat or mole person (that is a thing) tie it back on and keep my ass partying! Yeah!
There was this one time where I started my day with an endless mimosa brunch, followed by a wine bar in The Village, followed by...something. Then I came to at a tattoo parlour in Brooklyn not entirely sure how I'd gotten there. The tattoo artist was in the middle of telling me they wouldn't be able to work on me because I was too hammered, but I cut them off by running outside to puke in front of a cop car. Luckily they weren't in the car at the time, which cued me to pee there too. Long story short I woke up the next day around 6:00am on the front stoop of someones brown stone in The East Village clutching my purse. I could've slept for longer, but a…

What they won't tell you part 1.

Something that no one talks about in the parenting community is that most likely you will get postpartum depression. It's shockingly common and totally sucks. However, if you do experience this do whatever you need to do to care for yourself and know you will be fine.

Some people have horrible experiences with it. Non stop crying, no interest in their kid, thoughts of suicide or running away. Some don't even know they're going through it. Some are like me, a person who has grappled with depression their entire lives and take precautions to avoid it through medication and awareness. In any case it still occurs and it sucks.

I have dealt with depression since I was 10. Early on to realize that life sorta sucks sometimes, right? Yeah, I know. Depression blows no matter how you slice it. It's annoying and tiring and cliche. It's hard to be around and hard to understand. It's gross. With my background dealing with what was at times debilitating depression,  I was in…

Your dreams're welcome!

In addition to writing brutally honest thoughts, fears and events that mom's experience, I also have cultivated a dream blog. That's right, I made your weirdo dreams come true!

I made an instagram dedicated to babies wearing wigs. You're welcome!!!

Rubber faces.

When I had my baby, pictured here, everyone commented loudly on how she didn't look anything like me, and everything like my husband. I started to feel like I had nothing to do with it! However these pictures are all the proof I need that she is indeed my kid! I have been known for my flexible face, or as casting directors in LA refer to is as, "the reason I'm not booking as much as I should be". I have lot of expressions, which is not a bad thing, for the record. Anyhow, these are a few pics taken of my baby and I making some very similar faces. Also one of her punching me in the face and not breaking. She's such a better comedian than me and was right off the bat. 
God, I love this kid!

Let's begin at the beginning...

Seems appropriate to start at the top, right?

First of all I had the idea for this blog during the second trimester of my pregnancy with my daughter, Bo, who is now 1.

I was naive to think I would continue on being all cocky and cunty about being a mom. I would declare "Look, I'm going to have this kid and still live my life!" to anyone that would listen. "This kid is going to adapt to my schedule and be a comedy kid!" I would chortle. My sketch team, The Mutiny, an LA based group I'd been with for about two years at this point would nod and smile, sort of amused, sort of uneasy. "I will fucking do sketch and comedy with this kid on my tit FOREVER!!!"

I had NO IDEA. None. At all. Not about how hard it is to be a parent, because it is. It's so fucking hard. And not about how much my life would change, because it does exponentially. Nope. The truth is I had no idea how much I could love this human person who came bursting out of my body like an …