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5 Things I Thought Were Atrocious Until I Actually Had A Kid

1. Leashing Your Child

The first time I saw a kid being restrained by a leash by his exhausted mother I thought it was either a joke, like the kid thought it would be a fun game to wear the dogs leash, or they simply weren't shy about child abuse. I thought "How in the fuck can you show your face in public walking your kid LIKE HE'S THE FAMILY PET?!" But now that my child is approaching the two's like a freight train outta hell, I'm not going to pretend that if you go to my drop down window you won't find a couple of links to places that sell these sweet babies!

2. The TV Babysitter

Before I had my baby I would view those moms who just plop their child in front of the tv and expect them to not grow up to be the kinds of adults who own ferrets and wear socks with sandals as neglectful. "You should be enriching them with art and literature! Classical music and constant engagement!" I would think, while smugly sipping my cold brew coffee and thumbi…

My Dad

Yesterday, July 5th, my dad, Richard Albert, died.

He was diagnosed with Parkinson's about 12 years ago and from that developed an insidious type of dementia called Lewy Bodies, which causes a lot of physical issues and accelerates the Parkinson's decline. Basically he was served a shit sandwich with a side of fuck my life.

My dad was a quirky guy with a weird sense of humor. He used to play with me by chasing me around the house with a hammer and pretend he was going to smash my little toes. He would pack our lunches with a dog treat that he carefully tin foiled so when we would open it up at lunch all the other kids would laugh and scream. He made us waffles with ice cream in the middle for breakfast and ONLY creamed corn for dinner. He drank buttermilk from the carton. And prune juice.

He was private. He would take hour long poops just to be alone and think. He was a scientist and mathematician. He was always trying to work out these insanely impossible to solve equations i…

A Letter to Our Downstairs Neighbor

Dear Downstairs Neighbor,

Welcome to the building/neighborhood! I hope you're adjusting well to the valley and have familiarized yourself with the shops and grocers! Valley Village is a wonderful place to reside, and I'm always here to answer any pressing questions regarding the local fair, so never hesitate to come on up!

You know, speaking of pressing matters, I did have something I wanted to discuss with you, neighbor. I heard from our landlord today and your name was mentioned, and sadly she told us that you made a noise complaint against us. Huge bummer!  She said something about how you, our brand new neighbor who's been here less than two weeks at this point, told her that we were too loud, we "dropped things" on the floor sometimes, and that our baby "cried on occasion" which was incredibly inconvenient for you.

My goodness, wow! I am so sorry we were bothering you so much! Let me be the first to apologize for our garish behavior, and please, gi…