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5 Things I Thought Were Atrocious Until I Actually Had A Kid

1. Leashing Your Child

The first time I saw a kid being restrained by a leash by his exhausted mother I thought it was either a joke, like the kid thought it would be a fun game to wear the dogs leash, or they simply weren't shy about child abuse. I thought "How in the fuck can you show your face in public walking your kid LIKE HE'S THE FAMILY PET?!" But now that my child is approaching the two's like a freight train outta hell, I'm not going to pretend that if you go to my drop down window you won't find a couple of links to places that sell these sweet babies!

2. The TV Babysitter

Before I had my baby I would view those moms who just plop their child in front of the tv and expect them to not grow up to be the kinds of adults who own ferrets and wear socks with sandals as neglectful. "You should be enriching them with art and literature! Classical music and constant engagement!" I would think, while smugly sipping my cold brew coffee and thumbi…

Hi, my name is Amy, and I am a garbage mom.

I happen to be a part of the greatest Facebook mommy group of all time. It's filled with successful, interesting, hilarious and strong women who have kept me going on many an occasion. I can reach out to them about anything parenting related, no matter how small or embarrassing, and in almost every situation I get positive responses that are encouraging and helpful. Why does this qualify as the greatest mommy group of all time, you ask? Because this mommy group is a rare gem amongst the cubic zirconia's of social media life. It's an online community of women who actually support each other rather than tear each other down. More importantly, it's other moms who have been though the shit and we all can acknowledge that we are what is lovingly referred to as a "garbage mom", and I love them so much for it!

The term "garbage mom" is thrown around a ton in my mommy group, and I heard it again today as I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts, Why …

Welp, I'm Knocked Up Again

Yup, it's true. In fact, I'm super knocked up. 25 weeks along. It's happening people.

I'm due on April 12th and am having a boy this round, so I've been practicing for the event by having my husband surprise me by randomly peeing in my face when I didn't expect it. I need to work on my reflexes!

I'm kidding of course. My reflexes are already really good.

I found out about this one just like I found out about the last one: while I was drinking and having a great time, blissfully unaware that a human person was developing in my uterus. However this time I just knew. I knew something was different, was off a little. And I don't know why it occurs to me to take a pee test while gripping a vodka soda, but it seems to be my pattern.

When I started telling people I was pregnant again I got less "oh man, your life if over!" comments and more "well, at least you know what to do this time around!" That is not true in any form. I DO NOT know wh…