We all have these places, whether it be an exotic locale or just a place where you buy your socks. Either way, just the thought of visiting your favorite places adds a little spring to your step. Then you have kids and they ruin them. These were mine.
1. The Beach
The beach used to be DOPE! Hanging out with your friends, maybe late night with a bonfire, sneaking some booze in a Sprite bottle, maybe taking a lil toke off that strangers j! Now it's taking two hours to pack up the car to make sure you have the right blankets, changing pads, 20 towels, three changes of clothes for the whole family, kids sunscreen for body, for face and hat, sunscreen for parents, water bottles, snacks, bug spray, floaties, whistle, Frisbee, shoes that can get wet, apple juice, aloe, huge umbrella...oh fuck it, let's stay home and watch Netflix.
2. Target
Target used the be the place I would go to forget my worries for a little bit. It's a wonderland of hair products and clothes and booze and furniture. You can go in for tampons and leave with a recliner! It's heaven. Well, it was. Now if I go in there with my toddler, I better have a plan of action and if that derails at all at any point, I ditch the plan and try again tomorrow, because if my kid gets bored for one second it's all over. She's start trying to rip the clothes off the racks, throw the produce and knock over a whole shelf of canned goods. And if I God forbid don't let her do those things, she'll scream like she just saw Donald Trump naked. So long, Target.
3. Restaurants
When my husband and I lived in New York we would go out every other night to a new restaurant. We would love taking our sweet time enjoying appetizers, having that extra glass of wine, laughing at each others jokes knowing we had all the time in the world. Life was our Grand Central Oyster Bar. Nowadays, we basically order from the hostess and hand over our credit card as she's seating us while requesting to go containers be delivered with the meals. Essentially the second we get food in any dining establishment we know the clock is ticking before our kid makes us the asshole cautionary tale of why you don't bring kids to restaurants.
4. New York
I know I mentioned New York in my previous post about restaurants, but the truth is, all of that gorgeous, stinkin' city is off the table now that we're parents. While I would love nothing more than to culture the shit out of my kid with the architecture, the art and every day experiences, I'm certain we would step off the plane ready for a high falutin adventure, only to re-board immediately because of the epic fit she should throw due to our unwillingness to let her put that used condom she found on the sidewalk on St. Marks into her mouth.
5. Hotels
At one point in my life I was touring with a corporate comedy team, and on average I would spend two nights a week in a swanky hotel. This was clearly the way my life was supposed to go, as I am very good at staying in hotels. I don't need the debaucherous sexual activity to have a great time. I just need to know that I can throw my towels on the floor and get a grilled cheese at 3am to live well. I'm not asking for much! Sadly, those days are long gone now that I have a kid. Hotels went from a magical place filled with mini-fridges and Jacuzzi tubs to a big room where everyone is staying all together, which means pitch blackness and total silence after 8:30pm. And if anyone breaks that rule, just know there will be hell to pay in the form of a sleepness night with an insistent toddle wedged horizontally between you and your mate. No late night $14 potato wedges delivered to your door on a fancy plate can make save you this time. Farewell, hotels.
1. The Beach
The beach used to be DOPE! Hanging out with your friends, maybe late night with a bonfire, sneaking some booze in a Sprite bottle, maybe taking a lil toke off that strangers j! Now it's taking two hours to pack up the car to make sure you have the right blankets, changing pads, 20 towels, three changes of clothes for the whole family, kids sunscreen for body, for face and hat, sunscreen for parents, water bottles, snacks, bug spray, floaties, whistle, Frisbee, shoes that can get wet, apple juice, aloe, huge umbrella...oh fuck it, let's stay home and watch Netflix.
2. Target
Target used the be the place I would go to forget my worries for a little bit. It's a wonderland of hair products and clothes and booze and furniture. You can go in for tampons and leave with a recliner! It's heaven. Well, it was. Now if I go in there with my toddler, I better have a plan of action and if that derails at all at any point, I ditch the plan and try again tomorrow, because if my kid gets bored for one second it's all over. She's start trying to rip the clothes off the racks, throw the produce and knock over a whole shelf of canned goods. And if I God forbid don't let her do those things, she'll scream like she just saw Donald Trump naked. So long, Target.
3. Restaurants
When my husband and I lived in New York we would go out every other night to a new restaurant. We would love taking our sweet time enjoying appetizers, having that extra glass of wine, laughing at each others jokes knowing we had all the time in the world. Life was our Grand Central Oyster Bar. Nowadays, we basically order from the hostess and hand over our credit card as she's seating us while requesting to go containers be delivered with the meals. Essentially the second we get food in any dining establishment we know the clock is ticking before our kid makes us the asshole cautionary tale of why you don't bring kids to restaurants.
4. New York
I know I mentioned New York in my previous post about restaurants, but the truth is, all of that gorgeous, stinkin' city is off the table now that we're parents. While I would love nothing more than to culture the shit out of my kid with the architecture, the art and every day experiences, I'm certain we would step off the plane ready for a high falutin adventure, only to re-board immediately because of the epic fit she should throw due to our unwillingness to let her put that used condom she found on the sidewalk on St. Marks into her mouth.
5. Hotels
At one point in my life I was touring with a corporate comedy team, and on average I would spend two nights a week in a swanky hotel. This was clearly the way my life was supposed to go, as I am very good at staying in hotels. I don't need the debaucherous sexual activity to have a great time. I just need to know that I can throw my towels on the floor and get a grilled cheese at 3am to live well. I'm not asking for much! Sadly, those days are long gone now that I have a kid. Hotels went from a magical place filled with mini-fridges and Jacuzzi tubs to a big room where everyone is staying all together, which means pitch blackness and total silence after 8:30pm. And if anyone breaks that rule, just know there will be hell to pay in the form of a sleepness night with an insistent toddle wedged horizontally between you and your mate. No late night $14 potato wedges delivered to your door on a fancy plate can make save you this time. Farewell, hotels.
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