10 Sentences I Never Would Have Said Until I Became a Mom.

My daughter is two now and really taking on the toddler thing full force. Don't let that sweet face fool you, she is a diabolical genius. This means everything she does is an even mix of hilarious, terrifying, rage inducing and adorable all at the same time. To date the hardest part of being a parent is keeping my child alive and out of the harms way that she places herself in regularly. Oh, and not laughing when I say these things. Cuz dang my kid is CUTE!!!

1. "Please don't use the nettie pot to drink out of."

She does this on purpose because she knows it makes me gag. It's disgusting.

2. "The dog doesn't like it when you punch him in his butt, please stop."

I mean, no one likes to be punched in the butt, but a 13 pound Yorkie REALLY doesn't dig it.

3. "Please don't store the grapes in your diaper, love."

Or do and I'll call Shark Tank because you're an innovator.

4. "Sweetheart, it hurts Mommy when you poke at and pinch her nipples like that."

To be fair, I've said this to her father too.

5. "I'm sorry you're upset, but dog poop does not go on your head like a hat."

Not that I would ever want to squash a child's creativity, but it was pretty fresh still.

6. "Babe, please stop slapping your vagina with the iPad like that, you could hurt yourself."

But...also the iPad.

7. "Crayons don't go up your butt."

This is really just a life rule, don't you think?

8. "Cry all you want, but there's no way I'm letting you put that piece of broken glass in your mouth, sorry."

I know, I know, I'm such a controlling DICK!

9. "Stop licking the toilet!"

Not that this makes it better, but it was just the seat. Ugh, sorry, still fucking disgusting. Why are kids so gross?

10. "It's not funny to poop on Mommy's shoe!"

She didn't complete this act, but was threatening to do so over the course of a night by taking off her diaper and crouching over my shoes. She thought my reaction was hilarious. She's smarter than me.

Comments

Into Emotional Cutting? Cool, Read The Giving Tree!

If there is one thing I know about myself it is that I simply can't eat an ice cream sandwich with any sort of dignity. If there is a second thing I'm sure of, its that I am not emotionally healthy enough to handle the children's book The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. That book sends me into a sobbing fit so powerful I need my inhaler to pull me out safely. Every time I open the book I am cutting myself emotionally, and this post is a cry for help. If you're not familiar with this classic let me give you the cliff notes. It's about a boy and a tree. When the boy is young he loves the tree and hangs with it all the time, and the tree is so happy. They play and he climbs and he eats her apples and sleeps in her shade. The tree even allows the boy to carve their initials into her side that's surrounded by a heart. She loved this boy so much she allowed him to brand her permanently. Things were pretty awesome for a long time, until the boy got a...

Scared Sh*tless For Your Kids Safety? Try These Alternative Solutions!

If you're a parent I bet your days are filled to the brim with utter fear and anxiety that at any minute the world will end. It's scary enough having kids and worrying they're going to hurt themselves just by falling off their roller shoes, let alone the possibility of them walking into a Chuck E Cheese on a random Tuesday and having to duck and cover because one of the animatronics with a history of violence has beef with the day manager. (How did he get hired in the first place?!) So what are we, as parents of the future generation, supposed to do to deal with all this insanity? While there are the logical and thoughtful solutions suggested time after time like, uh, how about we don't give that dude who with a Google history exclusively on "How To Burn A Cat Alive Without Making A Mess" that AR-15, ideas like that are clearly insane and threaten the very core of all American values of being able to own ALL THE GUNS. It seems like the only thing we can...

My Dad

Yesterday, July 5th, my dad, Richard Albert, died. He was diagnosed with Parkinson's about 12 years ago and from that developed an insidious type of dementia called Lewy Bodies, which causes a lot of physical issues and accelerates the Parkinson's decline. Basically he was served a shit sandwich with a side of fuck my life. My dad was a quirky guy with a weird sense of humor. He used to play with me by chasing me around the house with a hammer and pretend he was going to smash my little toes. He would pack our lunches with a dog treat that he carefully tin foiled so when we would open it up at lunch all the other kids would laugh and scream. He made us waffles with ice cream in the middle for breakfast and ONLY creamed corn for dinner. He drank buttermilk from the carton. And prune juice. He was private. He would take hour long poops just to be alone and think. He was a scientist and mathematician. He was always trying to work out these insanely impossible to solve equati...

holycrapimyourmom

Search This Blog