10 Sentences I Never Would Have Said Until I Became a Mom.

My daughter is two now and really taking on the toddler thing full force. Don't let that sweet face fool you, she is a diabolical genius. This means everything she does is an even mix of hilarious, terrifying, rage inducing and adorable all at the same time. To date the hardest part of being a parent is keeping my child alive and out of the harms way that she places herself in regularly. Oh, and not laughing when I say these things. Cuz dang my kid is CUTE!!!

1. "Please don't use the nettie pot to drink out of."

She does this on purpose because she knows it makes me gag. It's disgusting.

2. "The dog doesn't like it when you punch him in his butt, please stop."

I mean, no one likes to be punched in the butt, but a 13 pound Yorkie REALLY doesn't dig it.

3. "Please don't store the grapes in your diaper, love."

Or do and I'll call Shark Tank because you're an innovator.

4. "Sweetheart, it hurts Mommy when you poke at and pinch her nipples like that."

To be fair, I've said this to her father too.

5. "I'm sorry you're upset, but dog poop does not go on your head like a hat."

Not that I would ever want to squash a child's creativity, but it was pretty fresh still.

6. "Babe, please stop slapping your vagina with the iPad like that, you could hurt yourself."

But...also the iPad.

7. "Crayons don't go up your butt."

This is really just a life rule, don't you think?

8. "Cry all you want, but there's no way I'm letting you put that piece of broken glass in your mouth, sorry."

I know, I know, I'm such a controlling DICK!

9. "Stop licking the toilet!"

Not that this makes it better, but it was just the seat. Ugh, sorry, still fucking disgusting. Why are kids so gross?

10. "It's not funny to poop on Mommy's shoe!"

She didn't complete this act, but was threatening to do so over the course of a night by taking off her diaper and crouching over my shoes. She thought my reaction was hilarious. She's smarter than me.

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