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Restaurant etiquette....

You know those scenes in movies where someone, usually a dude, says something inappropriate and the strong women that he offended so carelessly throws a drink in his face? And the man always takes it sheepishly, showing with a look that he knows he fucked up and shouldn't have crossed whatever line he
did to get that drink thrown at him. Then he gently dabs his face with a napkin while the woman storms out and hails a cab, not looking back to see if he chases after her, which of course he does. Then, later in the story after we see a montage of them both moving on, her more successfully than him, there is a scene where the guy calls and leave a message on her answering machine, or writes her a letter from Spain where he went to gather his thoughts and he apologizes for whatever he did and begs to see her just one more time.

We've all fantasized about something like that, right? Showing that guy that his garish behavior deserved nothing less, and he got off easy if you ask me! Or...did he? Because I did something like that twice (yeah, twice. I know, I know...) in my life and let's just say the movie version was way less sweaty and humiliating and I'm willing to wager that the heroine didn't puke when she got home.


The first time was when I was about 21 and after a night of karaoke and Kamikaze shots (blarf!) my friends and I settled into a booth at our favorite 24 hour diner, The Cardinal. This place was our JAM! We were there several nights a week and always had a great time. All the waiters new us and we could make a ruckus an they all thought it was fun! (Actually now that I'm older and think about it I bet they thought we sucked, because I think 21 year olds suck doing anything, let alone being drunk douche bags at 2:00 in the morning. Anyway, I digress.)

This night in particular The Cardinal was packed to the rafters with drunk assholes sloppily choking down greasy burgers and fried zucchini. I was with a bunch of my girlfriends who started chatting with the booth next to us of dudes. The details are fuzzy (duh) but at some point one of the dudes said something shitty, or maybe I said something shitty, or something shitty happened and I decided I was going to teach that dude a lesson he wouldn't forget. Until the next day of course because I bet he was in a blackout. What I do recall is the guy saying something about a whore and then mentioning his girlfriend. I stood in front of his table and made some remark about his "girlfriend selling her ass on the corner" (my current inner feminist is shuddering right now) and picked up a glass of water and threw it in his face. His friends said "oooohhhhhhh!" and my friends gasped and I later repeated the story and my "joke" proudly over and over until everyone had heard it and stopped reacting.

The other time was when I was at a bar and some drunk dick bag was heckling my husband during his stand up set(yup, I said husband, which meant I was in my early 30's at this point). The guy was so annoying and loud and stupid and I was seething with rage! When the show ended I had about three vodka sodas and decided that I was going to word this dude up, so I stood by his table just hoping he would notice me. Then he did. He said,"hhlllaaeelllaooaooo hahah", because he was that sloppy and shit housed. I smiled and walked over and something to the effect of, "You ruined the show because you never stopped talking!" He was with a girl who had a look of "not again" on her face, and she quickly looked down and started staring at her phone. He shot back, "Hammenaderasd and you're a fucking bitch!" So I picked up the sugar caddy and threw it at him. Sugar packets went flying all over the floor and onto this guy and his friend who was still looking at her phone, trying to tune it all out.

Well, I unfortunately didn't get heart felt apology notes from Europe three weeks later from either of these gentlemen thanking me for my bravery and grace while I threw these items in their faces. Nope! In both cases in fact both the dudes threw something back at me (which is fair, really) and started screaming about what a bitch I was until they were thrown out. Also no one applauded my bold move shutting these dudes down. Though maybe they was a little impressed by the size of my balls for a second or two, for the most part they were embarrassed. Especially my husband, who first off didn't need me defending him against the heckler, he didn't care and is a pro and whatever, and because his wife behaved poorly. I also didn't feel vindicated AT ALL! In fact I was ashamed and thought about what I would say in the letter or on the answering machine to apologize.


These stories popped back into my mind today as I took my daughter to a diner to meet a friend. I put her in her chair and she instantly started yelling, crying and throwing things in my face, like sugar packets from the caddy and ice from my water class before throwing it all on the ground.

Then it hit me. Apple, meet tree.

I. Am. Fucked.




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