Skip to main content

A Series of Unfortunate Events Part 1

I brought the baby to one of those baby play places today so she could hang out with other babies and I guess establish a hard core baby gang or whatever babies do at this age. Most of the other mommies or nannies were about my age if not older, and I soon struck up a conversation with a women who had a little girl about the same age as my Bo. She was effortlessly cool with wavy dark hair and skinny jeans that split at the knee. She had an easy laugh and laid back style that people instantly think of when they picture the inhabitants of Southern California. When it was announced that the babies had free play and the parents were to step back and relax for a while she and sat next to each other and gazed at our sweet playful babies crawling around on the mat. After a few moments of oohing and ahhing and snapping pics on our phones:

Me: This place is so great, right?
Her: I love it! Such a fun environment!
Me: Totally! Are you here every week?
Her: Yup! Like clockwork!
Me: That's great! It can be our "girls night out!" (I did that with quote-y fingers)
Her: Ha! Yeah, this is our one time to party every week!
Me: Haha! Right?! Now where is that bartender?
Her: Oh, I just bring my own, the service here is super slow.
Me: Man, good thinking! I'll sneak some in next week. Do you like margaritas?
Her: Hahaha! Skip the fancy stuff, I'll just take a couple of shots!
Me: HAHAHA! We can hide it in a sippy and say it's juice!
Her: We can make a whole thing of it! HAHA! I'll start making pot cookies and hand them out to all the parents! HAHA!
Me: Hahahahhhahah!!! Yeah! and if that goes well we can start a whole coke smuggling business where we hide the goods in the binkies and shove them up our asses. Even the drug sniffing dogs won't be able to catch that, cuz I shove it up there gooooooooddddd! HAHAHA!
Her:
Me: HAHAHhaha...hah.ha.
Her:
Me:
Her: "clears throat"
Me: So, did you want to set up a play date or something sometime, or...?
Her: Oh look play time is over. Madison, let's go.

Fin

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

A "Geriatric Pregnancy" aka "Wow, You Must Be Old As F**k!"

Recently at a store I frequent I had an interaction with the checker I always chat with. He's a nice guy, young, stoned, friendly. For a dude who's constantly baked his memory is impeccable. He always asks about my daughter, and our dog, Dave, and wants to hear about the thing I told him I was going to do the last time I saw him, etc. You get it. Just as I was about to say goodbye he asked if he could check out my engagement ring, since he was in the market and wanted some ideas! And even though I fucking hate it when other people do this, I squealed and jumped up and down a little bit. It seems it's an involuntary response. I asked about his girlfriend. Dude: "She's super cool, very chill for a Caucasian." Me: "Oh, that's good. Most white people are the worst." Dude: "She's like a hippie chick, but not a Vegan or anything." Me: "Thank God." Dude: "And she wants to have kids one day, which is awesome!

My Dad

Yesterday, July 5th, my dad, Richard Albert, died. He was diagnosed with Parkinson's about 12 years ago and from that developed an insidious type of dementia called Lewy Bodies, which causes a lot of physical issues and accelerates the Parkinson's decline. Basically he was served a shit sandwich with a side of fuck my life. My dad was a quirky guy with a weird sense of humor. He used to play with me by chasing me around the house with a hammer and pretend he was going to smash my little toes. He would pack our lunches with a dog treat that he carefully tin foiled so when we would open it up at lunch all the other kids would laugh and scream. He made us waffles with ice cream in the middle for breakfast and ONLY creamed corn for dinner. He drank buttermilk from the carton. And prune juice. He was private. He would take hour long poops just to be alone and think. He was a scientist and mathematician. He was always trying to work out these insanely impossible to solve equati

Scared Sh*tless For Your Kids Safety? Try These Alternative Solutions!

If you're a parent I bet your days are filled to the brim with utter fear and anxiety that at any minute the world will end. It's scary enough having kids and worrying they're going to hurt themselves just by falling off their roller shoes, let alone the possibility of them walking into a Chuck E Cheese on a random Tuesday and having to duck and cover because one of the animatronics with a history of violence has beef with the day manager. (How did he get hired in the first place?!) So what are we, as parents of the future generation, supposed to do to deal with all this insanity? While there are the logical and thoughtful solutions suggested time after time like, uh, how about we don't give that dude who with a Google history exclusively on "How To Burn A Cat Alive Without Making A Mess" that AR-15, ideas like that  are clearly insane and threaten the very core of all American values of being able to own ALL THE GUNS.    It seems like the only thing we can