Hi, my name is Amy, and I am a garbage mom.

I happen to be a part of the greatest Facebook mommy group of all time. It's filled with successful, interesting, hilarious and strong women who have kept me going on many an occasion. I can reach out to them about anything parenting related, no matter how small or embarrassing, and in almost every situation I get positive responses that are encouraging and helpful.

Why does this qualify as the greatest mommy group of all time, you ask? Because this mommy group is a rare gem amongst the cubic zirconia's of social media life. It's an online community of women who actually support each other rather than tear each other down. More importantly, it's other moms who have been though the shit and we all can acknowledge that we are what is lovingly referred to as a "garbage mom", and I love them so much for it!

The term "garbage mom" is thrown around a ton in my mommy group, and I heard it again today as I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts, Why Mommy Drinks with Betsy Stover and Amanda Allen. Both of them are in the group and I know both of them personally. They are delightful and fucking hysterical in life and on their cast. You should FOR SURE subscribe to it whether you're a mom or not, because while it's a podcast about what a shit show being a mom is, it's also about just trying to make it through life without blowing your brains out. And in the end of every episode what we all learn is that we are all doing a great job, even when we feel like we're fucking it all up.

I love garbage moms because what that term really refers to is a mom who is doing literally everything they can, all the time, even though this parenting gig is mainly one disaster after another.  They work so hard to keep their kids happy, healthy and educated, keep their own lives from imploding, feed everyone things with any sort of nutritional value, maintain some sense of independence outside of their children, pay the damn bills on time, have some sort of employment, keep your stupid fucking dreams alive and shower on the reg. But you know what? All that shit is HARD! Actually, now that I'm a parent of almost two kids, it's damn near impossible at times! It takes a village, people! There is a reason that those who vowed to never move back to their hometowns after they finally escaped gleefully return after they have kids. Their families are there and will (in most cases) happily babysit your brood so you can poop in private for once in five years.

In all cases those I know who call themselves a garbage mom are totally killing it by doing the best that they can in very difficult circumstances. No one refers to themselves as a garbage mom when they're not actually really great moms. Like, crazy people never call themselves crazy, you know what I mean? I don't think that Courtney Love ever referred to herself as a garbage mom when she was shooting up while pregnant. Joan Crawford didn't call up her friends and go, "Oh my God, I am SUCH a garbage mom today! I totally beat my kids until one of them passed out then I had six more martinis! Ugh, I am the worst!"

A real garbage mom probably calls themselves that if, say, they didn't have time to make dinner and picked up McDonald's instead one night because her day of driving her kids to school, then appointments, then work, then picking them up, then activities and play dates, left no time to prepare a Pinterest perfect, organic, balanced dinner out of the vegetables she's growing in her community garden. Because who the fuck does that? No one, that's who. And if you know someone who actually does do all that nonsense, then they have a staff of many assisting them. Just peek behind the curtain Dorothy.

But see, here's the thing: there is still a ton of pressure for moms to be "perfect". There is still a bit of the 1950's Leave it to Beaver style mom lingering in the highly polluted 2018 air and mom guilt is a mother fucker. Even though times have drastically changed there is still an expectation that just because we're moms we have to be perfect.  And not just perfect with our kids, but with everything. Gasp! You didn't breast feed for a full year ONLY because your nipples were bleeding profusely and you got mastitis four times! Way to give up on your baby, mom! You're not planning on sending yours kids to a preschool that costs more than a four year state college education per month? Then how on earth are they ever going to succeed in life? You're failing them! You're going to work while your kids are little? Dreadful! You're NOT going to work throughout your kids lives so they can see what a good example you are!  Tisk tisk! We must get right back in shape after pushing an eight pound human out of our vagina's, and don't forget the kegels! What? Your daughter isn't in a Mandarin language immersion program before the age of 2?! Well you may as well just accept that she will be a stripper. Sorry, you ruined her.

Even worse it seems like a good percentage of these pressures are coming from other moms. Don't believe me? Try this little experiment. Go onto a website that's mainly geared towards moms, like What To Expect When You're Expecting, or something similar. There are always sections of the site where parents post questions about an experience and need insight from other moms who have been though it. Questions like, "What is this groups thoughts on having a glass of wine from time to time during pregnancy?" This very question was posed on a mommy forum that I stumbled across recently and here are some of the responses.

"Well, I always say to each his own, but of course I would NEVER risk it on my baby, but if you feel okay with it and can live with yourself if something goes wrong, by all means!"

"Studies have shown that one glass a week won't hurt you or the baby, but I can't imagine doing that to my innocent unborn baby! But if you want to, go ahead. I just wouldn't, but no judgment!"

"If that is what you really want to do then go right ahead. Personally the idea of poisoning my fetus with alcohol makes me sick to my stomach, but don't feel judged or that you're a bad mom if you simply can't refrain from drinking for a measly 40 weeks to ensure your baby won't be deformed! Do you girl!"


Okay, maybe I took that last one and exaggerated it a teeny bit. But you get the gist. These forums all do the same thing. Instead of reassuring other moms that yes, we all have had a glass of wine or two during our pregnancy. Some may have smoked pot! Hell, there are probably a few on here who didn't know they were ever pregnant for three months, and it just happened to be during the time they were following Wide Spread Panic in a van where they supported themselves by making magic mushroom pancakes for the band! As opposed to building a safe community we as moms are made to feel guilty and compare ourselves to others, which then pushes us to keep all these questions to ourselves in fear that the judgment we'll receive could possibly manifest itself into our kids getting taken away or something extreme like that. If you're a mom you know that feeling very well, and it's debilitating.

But that's not the case in my mommy group. It's the exact opposite and it's beautiful. Even at my darkest parenting moments where I'm filled with doubt and fear about something I may have done or considered doing it when it comes to my kid, I am always soothed by the responses I get from the other moms who all let me know that they too have all done or thought the exact same things, and that it's all going to be okay.

In essence we are all garbage moms, just trying to raise our humans as well as we can in world that is unforgiving, scary and demanding. Being a garbage mom with all my other garbage mom peeps gives me a sense of security and I'm not sure I would have made it this far without them.

So raise a glass or nine to yourselves, fellow beautiful GM's! You are doing a great job!

Also take a moment to read this really fantastic article written by Kate Spencer, who is a fellow mom and member of this same group I'm referring to! Also check out her touching memoir, The Dead Moms Club.