My daughter, Bo, is about to turn 15 months. She's so lovely and I have to admit there have been many times when I've mentioned to my husband I would like to have another one, but the fact is she may be the only kid we ever have. I am totally fine with this, since she is completely bad ass and perfect, natch.
When other people ask me if we're thinking about having more kids and I tell them that there's a good chance she'll be my only, I get:
"Oh, come on, she can't grow up without a brother or sister! She'll be lonely!"
or: " You simply cannot deny her the experience of having a sibling! It'll make her weird!"
However the most common is "You can't raise her as an only child, she'll turn out to be an asshole!"
This comment usually comes from someone I either know very, VERY well or someone I have just met who knows I'm a comedian and thinks I'll laugh. Fair enough, well played, and to be honest I usually do. The idea of referring to someone as an asshole, specifically a child, is very funny to me.
However, there is a part of me that fears the dreaded "only child" syndrome.
First, what makes someone an "asshole"? The actual definition of what an asshole is, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is:
asshole:
noun ass·hole \ˈas-ˌ(h)ōl\
Popularity: Top 40% of words
Definition of asshole
1
usually vulgar : anus
2
a usually vulgar : a stupid, incompetent, or detestable person
b usually vulgar : the worst place —used in phrases like asshole of the world
(I also included the pronunciation because I care about you and your ability to really understand words, dear reader, so you're welcome.)
Then there's the only child "syndrome" aspect, which is defined as:
"The only child syndrome is a label given to people who do not have any siblings, or who were raised without any siblings. Some of the claimed only child syndrome characteristics include selfishness, an inability to share and difficulty making friends"
When I use the word asshole, which is quite often, it's usually the 2.a version of the definition, meaning I'm referring to a stupid person. Like, "Jesus Christ, that Trump is a real fucking asshole!" or "Quit your mansplaining, asshole!" or "Hey asshole, nice driving!", etc.
I was not an only child, I have a brother and a half brother and step siblings. The only only child I've ever really known is my mother, who surely thinks I was a big asshole a whole mess of times growing up. (I was spirited!)
Clearly not all only children are assholes though! My mom isn't one. Carol Burnett is an only child, and I bet she's not an asshole!
Plus, I know plenty of people from big families that suck butts! There were the kids who lived across the street from us when I was growing up in downtown San Jose. There were what seemed like 40 of them, and they were all shitsticks.
And what about Kim Kardashian! She's totally an asshole!
And Stephen Baldwin, epic asshole and Trump supporter, ew.
So obvs this only child syndrome theory has some holes in it. I mean, sure, sometimes kids who are only children get doted on and don't ever learn how to live in the real world and are entitled, yes. But also sometimes you grow up in a huge family and still end up self releasing a sex tape and becoming an evil dictator!
So I've come to a conclusion on this issue, and it's this: I simply won't let Bo grow up to be an asshole.
I will do things like tell her no, and not get her an iPad for her second birthday, or allow her to get butt implants or marry Kanye West. I will try to guide her and teach her kindness, and to say "Thank you very much!" when someone holds the door open for her. I will encourage her to make smart decisions and teach her to always ALWAYS tip 20%. I will do my best and ask her to do the same, and I will love the bujesus out of that little girl always.
When other people ask me if we're thinking about having more kids and I tell them that there's a good chance she'll be my only, I get:
"Oh, come on, she can't grow up without a brother or sister! She'll be lonely!"
or: " You simply cannot deny her the experience of having a sibling! It'll make her weird!"
However the most common is "You can't raise her as an only child, she'll turn out to be an asshole!"
This comment usually comes from someone I either know very, VERY well or someone I have just met who knows I'm a comedian and thinks I'll laugh. Fair enough, well played, and to be honest I usually do. The idea of referring to someone as an asshole, specifically a child, is very funny to me.
However, there is a part of me that fears the dreaded "only child" syndrome.
First, what makes someone an "asshole"? The actual definition of what an asshole is, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is:
asshole:
noun ass·hole \ˈas-ˌ(h)ōl\
Popularity: Top 40% of words
Definition of asshole
1
usually vulgar : anus
2
a usually vulgar : a stupid, incompetent, or detestable person
b usually vulgar : the worst place —used in phrases like asshole of the world
(I also included the pronunciation because I care about you and your ability to really understand words, dear reader, so you're welcome.)
Then there's the only child "syndrome" aspect, which is defined as:
"The only child syndrome is a label given to people who do not have any siblings, or who were raised without any siblings. Some of the claimed only child syndrome characteristics include selfishness, an inability to share and difficulty making friends"
When I use the word asshole, which is quite often, it's usually the 2.a version of the definition, meaning I'm referring to a stupid person. Like, "Jesus Christ, that Trump is a real fucking asshole!" or "Quit your mansplaining, asshole!" or "Hey asshole, nice driving!", etc.
I was not an only child, I have a brother and a half brother and step siblings. The only only child I've ever really known is my mother, who surely thinks I was a big asshole a whole mess of times growing up. (I was spirited!)
Clearly not all only children are assholes though! My mom isn't one. Carol Burnett is an only child, and I bet she's not an asshole!
FDR didn't have any siblings and lots of people liked that guy!
And what about Kim Kardashian! She's totally an asshole!
Hitler had six fucking brothers and sisters, and he's famous for being an asshole!
So I've come to a conclusion on this issue, and it's this: I simply won't let Bo grow up to be an asshole.
I will do things like tell her no, and not get her an iPad for her second birthday, or allow her to get butt implants or marry Kanye West. I will try to guide her and teach her kindness, and to say "Thank you very much!" when someone holds the door open for her. I will encourage her to make smart decisions and teach her to always ALWAYS tip 20%. I will do my best and ask her to do the same, and I will love the bujesus out of that little girl always.
Comments
Post a Comment