Dear Downstairs Neighbor,
Welcome to the building/neighborhood! I hope you're adjusting well to the valley and have familiarized yourself with the shops and grocers! Valley Village is a wonderful place to reside, and I'm always here to answer any pressing questions regarding the local fair, so never hesitate to come on up!
You know, speaking of pressing matters, I did have something I wanted to discuss with you, neighbor. I heard from our landlord today and your name was mentioned, and sadly she told us that you made a noise complaint against us. Huge bummer! She said something about how you, our brand new neighbor who's been here less than two weeks at this point, told her that we were too loud, we "dropped things" on the floor sometimes, and that our baby "cried on occasion" which was incredibly inconvenient for you.
My goodness, wow! I am so sorry we were bothering you so much! Let me be the first to apologize for our garish behavior, and please, give me a chance to explain so hopefully we can finally begin our flourishing neighborly relationship, which I look forward to immensely!
First off, let me begin by saying how sorry we are for disturbing you. And when I say "we" I'm clearly referring to our 15 month only daughter. It appears with her propensity for noise and clumsiness that she may indeed by a giant asshole. Her father and I have suspected as much, but you're complaint really drove it home, so thank you madame for your selflessness.
See our daughter, who again is still technically a baby, is super lovely, but damned if she's not totally immature when it comes to NOT doing baby stuff! Sometimes she cries for like, no reason! Like she's hungry or scared, and I'm like "What a jerk, stop it, fuck!!" I will definitely work on that with her, I promise. Also, even though at 15 months she clearly should be old enough to pull her shit together and manage her emotions, she's also learning to walk and, though it embarrasses me to the core of my soul, she's not totally adept at it yet, and occasionally falls which may be adding to the noise pollution you complained about. Ugh, right?! It's like, hello!!! It's not that hard to walk!!!
I'm telling you, I'm THIS close to telling Trump that she's not a naturalized citizen and have her sent somewhere to learn how to goddamn walk! Like, shit girl, how long are you going to be a baby for, dang?!!
Also, I must apologize for how much she drops stuff! From day one I have said to her, "listen, you better get really great at this dexterity thing because no one likes a butter fingers!" And she was like "blink blink" all babyish and shit. Thankfully though now with your complaint about how much shit we drop on a daily basis I have enough ammo to successfully shame her into adulthood with the perfect amount of baggage. You, ma'am, are a national hero!
Lastly, I just wanted to tell you how even though I have this whole other life now, I remember what it was like to be your age and living alone. Being in your 20's and driving an SUV with a broken tail light and an ability to get over your hangovers quickly because of the abundance of weed you smoke and your parents financial assistance is such a great time! Man oh man did I tie one on at your age too! I just want to encourage you to continue enjoying yourself, because some day you just may be the parent of a kid who cries sometimes and drops stuff, and you'll look back on this moment and think, "huh, I was a real dick to those people! I wish I could say I'm sorry right now!"
In conclusion, dear neighbor, I would like to thank you for your attention to detail and the gift of not giving a fuck. It's truly inspirational. I look forward to seeing you at the mail boxes and curtly saying hi, then walking away briskly while pretending to take a phone call.
Best regards,
The People Upstairs
Welcome to the building/neighborhood! I hope you're adjusting well to the valley and have familiarized yourself with the shops and grocers! Valley Village is a wonderful place to reside, and I'm always here to answer any pressing questions regarding the local fair, so never hesitate to come on up!
You know, speaking of pressing matters, I did have something I wanted to discuss with you, neighbor. I heard from our landlord today and your name was mentioned, and sadly she told us that you made a noise complaint against us. Huge bummer! She said something about how you, our brand new neighbor who's been here less than two weeks at this point, told her that we were too loud, we "dropped things" on the floor sometimes, and that our baby "cried on occasion" which was incredibly inconvenient for you.
My goodness, wow! I am so sorry we were bothering you so much! Let me be the first to apologize for our garish behavior, and please, give me a chance to explain so hopefully we can finally begin our flourishing neighborly relationship, which I look forward to immensely!
First off, let me begin by saying how sorry we are for disturbing you. And when I say "we" I'm clearly referring to our 15 month only daughter. It appears with her propensity for noise and clumsiness that she may indeed by a giant asshole. Her father and I have suspected as much, but you're complaint really drove it home, so thank you madame for your selflessness.
See our daughter, who again is still technically a baby, is super lovely, but damned if she's not totally immature when it comes to NOT doing baby stuff! Sometimes she cries for like, no reason! Like she's hungry or scared, and I'm like "What a jerk, stop it, fuck!!" I will definitely work on that with her, I promise. Also, even though at 15 months she clearly should be old enough to pull her shit together and manage her emotions, she's also learning to walk and, though it embarrasses me to the core of my soul, she's not totally adept at it yet, and occasionally falls which may be adding to the noise pollution you complained about. Ugh, right?! It's like, hello!!! It's not that hard to walk!!!
I'm telling you, I'm THIS close to telling Trump that she's not a naturalized citizen and have her sent somewhere to learn how to goddamn walk! Like, shit girl, how long are you going to be a baby for, dang?!!
Also, I must apologize for how much she drops stuff! From day one I have said to her, "listen, you better get really great at this dexterity thing because no one likes a butter fingers!" And she was like "blink blink" all babyish and shit. Thankfully though now with your complaint about how much shit we drop on a daily basis I have enough ammo to successfully shame her into adulthood with the perfect amount of baggage. You, ma'am, are a national hero!
Lastly, I just wanted to tell you how even though I have this whole other life now, I remember what it was like to be your age and living alone. Being in your 20's and driving an SUV with a broken tail light and an ability to get over your hangovers quickly because of the abundance of weed you smoke and your parents financial assistance is such a great time! Man oh man did I tie one on at your age too! I just want to encourage you to continue enjoying yourself, because some day you just may be the parent of a kid who cries sometimes and drops stuff, and you'll look back on this moment and think, "huh, I was a real dick to those people! I wish I could say I'm sorry right now!"
In conclusion, dear neighbor, I would like to thank you for your attention to detail and the gift of not giving a fuck. It's truly inspirational. I look forward to seeing you at the mail boxes and curtly saying hi, then walking away briskly while pretending to take a phone call.
Best regards,
The People Upstairs
Once I had a down-stairs neighbor who complained that I screeched in the morning when I pulled out the chair to eat breakfast. She also said that in the afternoon we were so loud that she could not hear her TV. It was so loud that we could hear it clearly, but she couldn't. She came upstairs to bitch at me once, and I just yelled, Aargh at the top of my voice. She ran downstairs and moved out the next week.
ReplyDeleteHAHA! You screamed into her face! That's insane but also very funny!
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