People ask me all the time what has changed the most since giving birth to my daughter. Lack of sleep? they ask. No, that hasn't been too bad. Stretch marks? No, I'm okay in that arena. Peeing a little when you sneeze? Well, I always did that.
I have to say the one major thing that did change and will never go back to the way it was....my butt hole. Yup. Butt. Hole.
My asshole is ruined. Probably forever, since it's been over a year since having my kid and it's still a war zone. Hemorrhoids have become a part of my life like shaving and the Kardashians. This is one of those things that NO ONE TELLS YOU!
Look, I don't do a lot with my asshole except the stuff it's designed to do. It's exit only for me down there, because I am a goddamn lady, though no judgment for those who are into that. In fact, I'm a little jealous that I didn't do more with it before it became a crime scene because that is now officially off the table. But I have always been fond of my balloon knot and grateful for it's functions, and I'm sad it's such a mess now! How does this happen, you may be asking yourself? Well, first off the pressure of carrying a huge ass human in your body is enough to crack the Hoover damn, but also the pushing and unpleasant tearing some experience during the birth. Those two together are a recipe for disaster. And a messed up back eye.
I made the mistake after having the kid of taking a hand mirror to it, and frankly it was my Vietnam. It was almost...spiked and dangerous looking, like there should be some yellow caution tape surrounding it. It look angry and I bet it is! It really got a raw deal here.
Why am I telling you this, gentle blog peruser? Why am I in detail describing my dirt button to you? Because along with how truly learning what the meaning of unconditional love is when you first meet your baby, how difficult breast feeding can be at first, and how PPD is pretty common in every mother, this subject needs to have more light shed on it. And if I have to literally shed some light on my own butt to warn some new moms along the way, then I will be the one! Because seriously if I had know, I would've taken my rusty sheriffs badge out for one last hurrah.
I have to say the one major thing that did change and will never go back to the way it was....my butt hole. Yup. Butt. Hole.
My asshole is ruined. Probably forever, since it's been over a year since having my kid and it's still a war zone. Hemorrhoids have become a part of my life like shaving and the Kardashians. This is one of those things that NO ONE TELLS YOU!
Look, I don't do a lot with my asshole except the stuff it's designed to do. It's exit only for me down there, because I am a goddamn lady, though no judgment for those who are into that. In fact, I'm a little jealous that I didn't do more with it before it became a crime scene because that is now officially off the table. But I have always been fond of my balloon knot and grateful for it's functions, and I'm sad it's such a mess now! How does this happen, you may be asking yourself? Well, first off the pressure of carrying a huge ass human in your body is enough to crack the Hoover damn, but also the pushing and unpleasant tearing some experience during the birth. Those two together are a recipe for disaster. And a messed up back eye.
I made the mistake after having the kid of taking a hand mirror to it, and frankly it was my Vietnam. It was almost...spiked and dangerous looking, like there should be some yellow caution tape surrounding it. It look angry and I bet it is! It really got a raw deal here.
Why am I telling you this, gentle blog peruser? Why am I in detail describing my dirt button to you? Because along with how truly learning what the meaning of unconditional love is when you first meet your baby, how difficult breast feeding can be at first, and how PPD is pretty common in every mother, this subject needs to have more light shed on it. And if I have to literally shed some light on my own butt to warn some new moms along the way, then I will be the one! Because seriously if I had know, I would've taken my rusty sheriffs badge out for one last hurrah.
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