holycrapimyourmom

I wrote this to my baby when she was still living in my belly, cockblocking me from all the fun things I used to love to do, like drink in the morning and run a fight club. Now my Bo is here, kicking ass and taking binkies. She's an LA kid, so she'll be totally fine.  Anyhoo, here it is!  PS. The end is hormone fueled. Oxytocin man, it's a mother fucker! ;) Dear baby,   As it seems you will be born right here in sunny LA, I feel it is my duty as your mom to alert you to something called the "bullshit” factor here. It refers to the many, many, many times someone will say something to you that may not have the exact meaning of what they intend. This is a universal phenomenon, but here in LA it’s considered the second most widely understood language. Honestly, I'm pretty sure it's tied with Spanish (which you will also be learning because I really want you to teach ME!). Here are a couple of examples of phrases you may hear that I w...

Or, living room in our case. See, we live in a one bedroom apartment at the moment, and while it's a good sized one bedroom, it's still just a one bedroom. When it became clear that my kid wouldn't dare sleep, pardon me, allow anyone at all to sleep,  if we were anywhere near her person during night time hours, we surrendered our bedroom, along with our bed, clothes and other accoutrements in order to ever get any rest again. We now sleep on a futon in the living room, which technically means the name of this post should be "Married Sex: How To Keep it Hot in the Futon!" Sleeping on a futon in the living room of our one bedroom is EXACTLY as sexy as it sounds! You know what's even hotter than that? The things we say to each other to keep the fires of passion lit! Here is a top ten list of the sexiest sentences uttered by my husband or myself to either get us, or keep us, totally in the mood. Warning: this is entirely NSFW (Not Sexy For W-anyone!) 10. ...

Recently my husband and I took our little babe on an airplane for the first time. Needless to say, we were both very nervous and not looking forward to that experience. While eager to have her hang with her grandparents and meet her cousins, we were convinced it would be a total shit show.                                           The Cobbs before take off, bracing themselves! Because flying typically sucks anyway, my old man and I always have a bit of a routine. We get to the airport a little too late, talk shit about all the people who bring way too many bags to check (Jesus, lady, it's a three hour flight from LA to Memphis, why are you checking 14 moving boxes?!), talk a little more shit about the asshole in front of us in the security line who can't seem to remember to take out his laptop before going though the metal detector, and is baffled and offended that the...

When I was a little kid I loved Christmas SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much. We would travel to my grandparents house in Wilton, CT where we would decorate the tree and listen to Bing Crosby sing White Christmas, and sometimes it would even snow! On Christmas morning my brother and I would race downstairs to find that Santa had come and left piles of presents! He also really liked the cookies we left out, and he even left us a note thanking us, which mysteriously looked like my Grandfathers handwriting, but I had no time to do junior detective work, I had a million presents to rip open like a wild animal! As I got older my excitement for the holiday didn't wane, and even after learning that Santa wasn't real, and it was my family the whole time playing him, (I KNEW that handwriting looked familiar!) I still really enjoyed the occasion. It was fun to sit around with my family and do Christmas-y stuff. My Grams would smoke her Kent's and laugh a lot, Gramps would collect the wrapping pap...

I recently broached the idea of raising Bo to be an only child and weighed my feelings about it in addition to assessing how I felt about other people's feelings about it. I mentioned in that post that my own mother, Carol, is an only child, and I wanted to get the low down on what it's like to grow up as the only, and a couple of extra, super hard hitting questions to set the tone. Enjoy! 1.  Hi there. I understand you are in fact Amy's mom. What was that like?  To be totally in love with this tiny creature who amazes you more and more and more each day, each year. From the first successful nursing to the first bite of mashed banana, from the first smile, and step, and word, all the way through Delilah Dix and Assistance. And beyond! 2. Amy recently gave birth to baby girl named Bo. What are your true  feelings about her name? Her name is brilliant! “Bo,” with the requisite long vowel sound. The simplicity that states, right up front, “I’m here and I’m not s...

Dear Downstairs Neighbor, Welcome to the building/neighborhood! I hope you're adjusting well to the valley and have familiarized yourself with the shops and grocers! Valley Village is a wonderful place to reside, and I'm always here to answer any pressing questions regarding the local fair, so never hesitate to come on up! You know, speaking of pressing matters, I did have something I wanted to discuss with you, neighbor. I heard from our landlord today and your name was mentioned, and sadly she told us that you made a noise complaint against us. Huge bummer!  She said something about how you, our brand new neighbor who's been here less than two weeks at this point, told her that we were too loud, we "dropped things" on the floor sometimes, and that our baby "cried on occasion" which was incredibly inconvenient for you. My goodness, wow! I am so sorry we were bothering you so much! Let me be the first to apologize for our garish behavior, and pleas...

Dear Humans, If you're like me and a majority of all the people I know, today, November 9th, 2016 has been a very dark day. The day after the the most unlikely of candidates, Donald Trump, with his hate speech, racism, sexism and gutter class behavior, shocked the nation by claiming the highest position in American government as the President of the United States against who we all revered as our hero, Hillary Clinton. It has left us as an astonished and confused nation in a fog of sadness and anger. It's a weird, awful time. And on this day, November 9th, 2016, my daughter, Bo, turned 15 months and decided it was time for her first steps on her own. Amongst the blackness, confusion and fear that we were all experiencing there was this lovely, big blue eyed, blonde haired angel of a silver lining toddling her way around my kitchen. It felt like the most perfect analogy ever. Bo taking her first steps on this, one of the most disheartening days i have ever experienced pers...