Skip to main content

Married Sex: How To Keep it Hot in the Bedroom!

Or, living room in our case. See, we live in a one bedroom apartment at the moment, and while it's a good sized one bedroom, it's still just a one bedroom. When it became clear that my kid wouldn't dare sleep, pardon me, allow anyone at all to sleep, if we were anywhere near her person during night time hours, we surrendered our bedroom, along with our bed, clothes and other accoutrements in order to ever get any rest again. We now sleep on a futon in the living room, which technically means the name of this post should be "Married Sex: How To Keep it Hot in the Futon!"

Sleeping on a futon in the living room of our one bedroom is EXACTLY as sexy as it sounds! You know what's even hotter than that? The things we say to each other to keep the fires of passion lit! Here is a top ten list of the sexiest sentences uttered by my husband or myself to either get us, or keep us, totally in the mood.

Warning: this is entirely NSFW (Not Sexy For W-anyone!)

10. "Hey, I think I'll brush my teeth. I haven't done that in a long time."
9. "You can keep NPR on, it really doesn't matter!"
8. "Ugh, I guess."
7. "Ok, we have a few minutes before the hard boiled eggs will be ready!"
6. "Just turn the monitor down."
5. "God! That garbage truck is SO loud!"
4. "No...just keep your shirt on!"
3. "Hurry, the hard boiled eggs are officially ready!"
2. "Dave (our dog) is looking and he is so bored."
1. "I just heard the baby wake up, but we're still good on time."

So HOTTTTTTT!

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

My Dad

Yesterday, July 5th, my dad, Richard Albert, died. He was diagnosed with Parkinson's about 12 years ago and from that developed an insidious type of dementia called Lewy Bodies, which causes a lot of physical issues and accelerates the Parkinson's decline. Basically he was served a shit sandwich with a side of fuck my life. My dad was a quirky guy with a weird sense of humor. He used to play with me by chasing me around the house with a hammer and pretend he was going to smash my little toes. He would pack our lunches with a dog treat that he carefully tin foiled so when we would open it up at lunch all the other kids would laugh and scream. He made us waffles with ice cream in the middle for breakfast and ONLY creamed corn for dinner. He drank buttermilk from the carton. And prune juice. He was private. He would take hour long poops just to be alone and think. He was a scientist and mathematician. He was always trying to work out these insanely impossible to solve equati...

Five Things I'm Forgiving Myself For In Motherhood/FTS

I am so fucking tired right now you guys. As I type this I'm sitting on my filthy couch that's covered in various kid juices and secretions, several stuffed animals, ancient cracker crumbs and a variety of hair. The baby is sitting in his vibrating chair to my left. He's cooing and smiling in between fits of whimpering because he wants to breastfeed. He's cluster feeding, which is a sweet euphemism for "sucking the life out of my once perky breasts". As I try to give him a binky, he smiles at me, which melts my heart, then projectile barfs through his baby grin onto my last clean tank top. My three year old is digging into a box of cereal that I didn't know we owned. Where did she get those chocolate peanut butter Cheerios? She is sticking her hands in and out of the box, coating them in sugary goodness, then letting the dog lick her hands. If that wasn't gross enough, after he's done sopping up all the probably-really-bad-for-dogs flavors off ...

The First 15...

I have a new segment for this blog, and also my life, that I will call The First 15 . This is a play by play of every event that has taken place during the first 15 minutes of my day. My life now, as you will discover, is a complete and utter shit show from the jump. This is not a unique experience for most mothers, but I continue to be flabbergasted by how insane it all is, all the GD time.  Enjoy. 6:43 am -I awaken to the dulcet tones of my baby screaming. He is laying right beside me in bed, because I was too tired to put him back into his sleep nest last night, so it's really f'ing loud. 6:44 am -I manage to shove my boob into his mouth so he stops crying, even though I'm fairly certain my exhausted, drained breasts have nothing more to give. I re-close my eyes, hoping to fall back asleep for a little while. But then... 6:44 am -My toddler, smelling an opportunity to rip sleep away from me, starts calling, nay, BELLOWING, my name over and over from her ro...