5 Of The Weirdest Things People Have Said To Me During This Pregnancy

I don't know exactly what it is about me, but I've always been the type of gal that people think they can just say anything to. Perhaps they think, "She's funny! And has the bone structure of someone who doesn't get offended easily! I think I'll cover her with word vomit!"

This rule of thumb didn't disappoint this pregnancy. So, for your amusement may I present the top five weirdest things people have said to me during this gestation process.

Luckily, I still have about six weeks left so fingers crossed I'll be able to alter this list by then.

5. "Oh my God, are you pregnant? Oh good. I asked a woman that the other day, and she said no and got SO upset!"

This was said to me by a young girl who works in the piano lab where I'm taking classes. She has seen me many times before and we've never had to venture much past "Which room would you like?" and "Great, you have an hour, thanks!" I have liked our interaction thus far. It's reliable. No thrills, no frills. Just a peaceful exchange of handing her my I.D. to scan and her giving me a key to a tiny room with a piano.
I'm not sure what happened over the break that changed between us. Maybe she missed me? Or perhaps she's on a personal quest to connect more with others. I don't know. I DO know, however, that if you asked a woman that once AND IT DIDN'T GO SO WELL, taking a stab at it again may indicate some sort of mental illness. In the very least, a propensity for making poor choices, so let's just say I wouldn't lend her my car anytime soon.

4. "Are you so sad about your boobs being gross? My sister has a baby and her boobs are so gross now."

When I was asked this, I have to admit I laughed and laughed. Because, sure,  I'm bummed that my boobs will probably not be the same after this. I don't know if I would classify them as "gross" but to each their own.
I'm also bummed that I will pee my pants whenever I sneeze, and that my hemorrhoids are clearly here to stay. But what struck me as funny is that this was said by a woman at my Yoga studio, and she was a complete stranger. We were in the locker room getting dressed, so perhaps she was checking out my rack prior to this statement. She overheard me chatting with one of the teachers about my due date, said this and then disappeared in a puff of Lulu Lemon and healing rose oil. It was sort of magical. I haven't seen her since, and I don't know her name so I can't give her a shout out, but I think of her often.

3. "Oh, you're pregnant! That's so funny, my dog just had puppies like, three weeks ago!"

Oh dear, this is concerning on several different levels. The only thing I can assume is that this person wasn't allowed to participate in sex ed during middle school because their mom didn't want them to grow up too fast, and they never looked into it ever again. Or maybe she thinks I'm a dog. Like one of those really smart talking dogs you see on Nickelodeon and Disney shows. There's always the possibility that I, the talking dog, would be into chatting with her dog to hear about her experience, and perhaps inquire about the amount of lanolin that would be needed to soothe my eight sore nipples. I still haven't worked this one out, but I'd love to hear any theories.

2. "How far along are you? (quietly, after I answer) Ew."

This was a very special one for me, because I don't think I was supposed to hear the "ew", part of this sentence. I'm fairly certain that the person who said this thought they didn't let it slip out of their brains and into the brisk night air where it lingered for a few moments. I didn't really say anything back either. Maybe I thought they would laugh or say they were kidding, or something. But no, they just stood there and waited for me to respond.
I do wonder what the "ew" was for though? Like, is it the image of my unborn baby growing fingernails that freaks you out? Or the idea that I will almost certainly poop on the table while pushing in the near future? Perhaps it was a comment on the uphill battle our youth face nowadays due to living in a world of increased ambivalence for human life and how many people are converting to vegan-ism. I guess I'll never know.

1. "My aunt had, like, four miscarriages then just gave up altogether."

This was said to me at, wait for it, a kids birthday party. Let that sink into your pores.
What. The. Fuck am I supposed to say to this? It's not like I'm not sensitive to what your aunt went through, that must have been a very painful time. But how in the hell do you think this is a normal subject to bring up to a pregnant person who you barely know in between the cake and the magician?
I don't totally remember what I said back, though I'm sure it was "I'm sorry about that."
I wonder if there is a better way to respond? Something automatic like, "God bless you!" when people sneeze. If this happens again I think I'll try out "Exit stage left!" or "Hang in there baby!" and see how it lands.