Toothpaste and Oreos-Eat Whatever The F You WANT!

As I am pregnant again I'm eating like a person would when they are pregnant. For instance, this morning I opened a yogurt for my daughter and one for myself. She loves those fancy Noosa yogurts, so we shell out top dollar for that Australian goodness knowing that whatever she doesn't finish we will. Or, I will. Because I did. She was done after three bites, and I finished my yogurt in a total of three bites, so I did what I had to do. Then she wanted apple sauce and sausages, because she's a weird kid. So I made her those things and had some myself. Then I could tell, because I'm a very attentive parent that she was hoping I would treat myself to an ice cream sandwich with peanut butter and capers, so naturally I obliged. I need to set an example for my daughter that her mother is paying attention to her wants and needs!

Fast forward to noon and she has persuaded me to eat another yogurt, a half a cucumber with hot sauce on them, three slices of cheese with hot sauce on them, two packets of her Mott's gummy animals and two fists full of animal crackers. I also finished the jar of capers.

As I type this I'm at a diner having just finished a giant Cobb salad and a side of zucchini bread that I put maple syrup on.

Tonight I may make enchiladas. If not, there are a bunch of ice cream sandwiches left in the freezer.

Why am I telling you all this? Because I want you to know I am nourishing my unborn baby. But also because I was on Pinterest the other day searching for cute pregnant outfits when I can across this page. If you don't want to click on it, that's cool I'll sum it up. It's basically link after link of ways to lose weight and stay hot while you're carrying a person in your belly. I repeat LOSE WEIGHT WHILE YOU ARE PREGNANT! If that isn't an assault on women then I don't know what is! So even when we're frigging building a human within our bodies we STILL are expected to be fuckable?! I call bullshit on this bullshit. Because if we weren't fuckable in the first place non of us would be pregnant, thus this blog wouldn't exist.

Look, I'm not hating on any pregnant lady who happens to be ripped and wants to stay that way throughout their pregnancy. That's awesome and good for you, it's your choice. Hell, I was like that with the first one! I was training to become a yoga teacher during that time for God's sake, I get it. I also know that the more in shape you are the faster you bounce back. All of these things are cool.

What I think is repugnant though is the idea that we as pregnant women should actually be concerned with LOSING weight during the one time when we should be GAINING weight. It's insane that this should be a thing that women in our situation should be made to, even for an instant, feel badly about. It is absurd and I won't stand for it. Do you know how hard it is to be pregnant?! It's harder than anything. You know how Melania Trump has to have sex with that gross bog monster once a month as is stated in her contract(that I'm assuming exists). It's harder than THAT! Take a moment to picture it. Yeah, you get it now.

Here's my alternative offer: I will suggest a series of weird preggo cravings recipes that you can enjoy since nothing is your own anymore. And look, if it makes you feel better, eat them standing up. You can also burn calories by just telling whoever has an opinion about what you're eating while the alien in your body has taken over to go fuck themselves and make you a sandwich while you watch The Golden Girls marathon.

These images are courtesy of Food and Wine-The Cookbook for Weird Pregnancy Cravings, and the Pickles and Ice Cream Cookbook which you can check out here and here.