Minivan. A van, but mini. Even the mention of that word sends shivers down the millennial parents spine. That word conjures up images of dreams lost, sleepless nights, and mandatory bake sales where you're required to be completely sober the entire time. In other words, a living hell.
I get it, and I used to feel the same way. Until I realized how insanely sweet driving a mini-van can actually be, IF you do it right! I mean, sure it's safer and more practical for when you have a family, blah, blah, blah, but what parents don't want you to know is that they are living it up in those nerd-mobiles. Here are five reasons why:
1. You Can Glamp In it
Camping used to be fun before you had kids thanks to that cooler full of Natty Lights and those mushrooms your cousin Dan found in his childhood desk from when he visited your Aunt last month. But now that kids are in the picture, camping has gone from all day drinking and sleeping bag hookups to stopping your kid from pooping in poison ivy for the fifth time today and/or walking directly into the campfire. Luckily your new minivan has enough space to comfortably sleep half the Duggar family, minus that creep Josh Duggar, who can sleep his handsy ass on the damn ground.
2. You Can Play The Video Games YOU Want To Play In It
Since minivans are designed for families, one must assume that long car trips don't always appeal to the adolescent who would rather show his wiener to his hot home room teacher than spend an entire Saturday apple picking with his dork parents. Minivan producers predicted that, so they have thrown in some goodies, like game consoles with WiFi. So when you have to "take this phone call" during your kids gymnastics class, you can really be playing Resident Evil WITHOUT headphones because you are an adult and you can take the profanity.
3. You Can Totally Bone In There
Though this isn't ground breaking news, and in fact I bet a hefty percentage of siblings have been conceived in a minivan over the years, the truth is manufacturers have been stepping up their bone game lately by making the bed part more cushion-y, thus more conducive for boning. Just because you're someones parent now doesn't mean you don't want to get freaky from time to time. Just allow for ample airing out time and for the love of god put down a towel.
4. You Can Stash Your Booze
Yesterdays minivans were way too basic bitch for today's savvy mom and dads. They were just a stretched out, big bottomed car with bench seats that could seat half a soccer team with little to no perks. Now these babies not only have all the bells and whistles you would want in a premium vehicle, like the screens and Internet and stuff, BUT also sweet hiding places in the undercarriage that only YOU, aka the adult in this situation, can hide your booze! Not looking forward to a weekend filled with toddler parties and trips to Costco? No worries. These back seats fold out to reveal an entire bunker of storage space in case you need to Irish up you punch cup at this Moana themed pre-school graduation.
5. Worst Case Scenario, You Can Live In It For A While
You're in the dog house for that thing you said about your partners mom didn't you? Maybe you did it on purpose this time, maybe not. Either way, you're in deep. You would sleep on the couch, but your brother is staying there for a couple of weeks while he looks for a job. You could get a hotel, but jeez, that seems extreme, right? Lucky for you your minivan is here to save the day. Sleeping in there is a given, but now some of them have stowaway tables you can pop up in the middle, and swivel seats for you and your buddies can play cards without the threat of being yelled at for swearing too much. Hell, you can watch a porn in there if you want. With that aforementioned WiFi why not conduct business from that sucker. In fact, it's looking like you can stay here for a while, since the cigarette lighter connection can also be used to power a hotplate. You got yourself a little slice of heaven friend, you may never have to walk up that driveway to your house again!
I get it, and I used to feel the same way. Until I realized how insanely sweet driving a mini-van can actually be, IF you do it right! I mean, sure it's safer and more practical for when you have a family, blah, blah, blah, but what parents don't want you to know is that they are living it up in those nerd-mobiles. Here are five reasons why:
1. You Can Glamp In it
2. You Can Play The Video Games YOU Want To Play In It
Since minivans are designed for families, one must assume that long car trips don't always appeal to the adolescent who would rather show his wiener to his hot home room teacher than spend an entire Saturday apple picking with his dork parents. Minivan producers predicted that, so they have thrown in some goodies, like game consoles with WiFi. So when you have to "take this phone call" during your kids gymnastics class, you can really be playing Resident Evil WITHOUT headphones because you are an adult and you can take the profanity.
3. You Can Totally Bone In There
Though this isn't ground breaking news, and in fact I bet a hefty percentage of siblings have been conceived in a minivan over the years, the truth is manufacturers have been stepping up their bone game lately by making the bed part more cushion-y, thus more conducive for boning. Just because you're someones parent now doesn't mean you don't want to get freaky from time to time. Just allow for ample airing out time and for the love of god put down a towel.
4. You Can Stash Your Booze
Yesterdays minivans were way too basic bitch for today's savvy mom and dads. They were just a stretched out, big bottomed car with bench seats that could seat half a soccer team with little to no perks. Now these babies not only have all the bells and whistles you would want in a premium vehicle, like the screens and Internet and stuff, BUT also sweet hiding places in the undercarriage that only YOU, aka the adult in this situation, can hide your booze! Not looking forward to a weekend filled with toddler parties and trips to Costco? No worries. These back seats fold out to reveal an entire bunker of storage space in case you need to Irish up you punch cup at this Moana themed pre-school graduation.
5. Worst Case Scenario, You Can Live In It For A While
You're in the dog house for that thing you said about your partners mom didn't you? Maybe you did it on purpose this time, maybe not. Either way, you're in deep. You would sleep on the couch, but your brother is staying there for a couple of weeks while he looks for a job. You could get a hotel, but jeez, that seems extreme, right? Lucky for you your minivan is here to save the day. Sleeping in there is a given, but now some of them have stowaway tables you can pop up in the middle, and swivel seats for you and your buddies can play cards without the threat of being yelled at for swearing too much. Hell, you can watch a porn in there if you want. With that aforementioned WiFi why not conduct business from that sucker. In fact, it's looking like you can stay here for a while, since the cigarette lighter connection can also be used to power a hotplate. You got yourself a little slice of heaven friend, you may never have to walk up that driveway to your house again!
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