If you're like me, you're just dying to have an epic parenting fail that you can laugh about one day, maybe. I went ahead and put together a little step by step guide based on a recent experience I had where I failed my ass off. Give this a try and soon you'll be failing epically like a pro!
What you'll need:
-To have left the bathroom door open accidentally.
-To have your husband out of town for a few days due to work, so you're alone.
-To have taken your eyes off of your toddler for about 20 seconds or so.
Got those things? Great! You're ready to have an Epic Parent Fail!
Step one: Leave your toddler in her seat enjoying her snack while watching the Sesame Street Christmas Episode for the 30th time in a row.
Step Two: Turn your back as you go into the kitchen to grab a La Croix.
Step Three: Return to where you were sitting only to find that your daughter had somehow unbuckled her strap and wasn't in the room anymore.
Step Four: Call out your daughters name and realize that she's in the bathroom, which you forgot to close because you were in a rush to get back to her because she started to cry while you were pee'ing, only to return and realize she was crying because she dropped her juice and didn't feel like picking it up.
Step Five: Walk to the bathroom and discover your kid has unrolled all the toilet paper and is now dipping into the garbage bin.
Step Six: Call her name, have her turn to you with a giant, adorable grin and start to walk towards you with something in her hand that she has pulled out of the garbage bin.
Step Seven: Quickly notice that it is indeed a discarded used tampon, that while wrapped up in toilet paper, is still incredibly disgusting. Gasp and yelp.
Step Eight: Attempt to tear the disgusting piece of garbage out of your kids hand, who immediately begins to fight back and scream, because I'm clearly taking her new favorite toy away.
Step Nine: After finally separating the garbage from your toddlers iron grip, quickly throw out the used tampon but miss the garbage can completely. Then with the one free hand you have that's not trying to calm the wild animal you gave birth to 16 months ago, sanitize both of your hands with anything you can find that isn't a used tampon from the garbage bin.
Step Ten: Close the bathroom door and in a soothing tone, convince your toddler that she really didn't want to play with that used tampon, because it's yucky. Re-sanitize while singing the A,B,C's, then bribe her with the tasteless cheesy snacks she likes, and re-start the Sesame Street Christmas Episode.
Step 10-A: After you put your child down for the evening, pour yourself a big ass glass of alcohol, and reflect on how you're crushing it at life!
Bo and Mommy right after the second sanitizing, still pretty pissed about me taking her toy away.
What you'll need:
-To have left the bathroom door open accidentally.
-To have your husband out of town for a few days due to work, so you're alone.
-To have taken your eyes off of your toddler for about 20 seconds or so.
Got those things? Great! You're ready to have an Epic Parent Fail!
Step one: Leave your toddler in her seat enjoying her snack while watching the Sesame Street Christmas Episode for the 30th time in a row.
Step Two: Turn your back as you go into the kitchen to grab a La Croix.
Step Three: Return to where you were sitting only to find that your daughter had somehow unbuckled her strap and wasn't in the room anymore.
Step Four: Call out your daughters name and realize that she's in the bathroom, which you forgot to close because you were in a rush to get back to her because she started to cry while you were pee'ing, only to return and realize she was crying because she dropped her juice and didn't feel like picking it up.
Step Five: Walk to the bathroom and discover your kid has unrolled all the toilet paper and is now dipping into the garbage bin.
Step Six: Call her name, have her turn to you with a giant, adorable grin and start to walk towards you with something in her hand that she has pulled out of the garbage bin.
Step Seven: Quickly notice that it is indeed a discarded used tampon, that while wrapped up in toilet paper, is still incredibly disgusting. Gasp and yelp.
Step Eight: Attempt to tear the disgusting piece of garbage out of your kids hand, who immediately begins to fight back and scream, because I'm clearly taking her new favorite toy away.
Step Nine: After finally separating the garbage from your toddlers iron grip, quickly throw out the used tampon but miss the garbage can completely. Then with the one free hand you have that's not trying to calm the wild animal you gave birth to 16 months ago, sanitize both of your hands with anything you can find that isn't a used tampon from the garbage bin.
Step Ten: Close the bathroom door and in a soothing tone, convince your toddler that she really didn't want to play with that used tampon, because it's yucky. Re-sanitize while singing the A,B,C's, then bribe her with the tasteless cheesy snacks she likes, and re-start the Sesame Street Christmas Episode.
Step 10-A: After you put your child down for the evening, pour yourself a big ass glass of alcohol, and reflect on how you're crushing it at life!
I'm surprised Dave didn't teach you this lesson...dogs will bring those "toys" into the living room while you have company, haha!!!
ReplyDeleteThe other Amy C...
HA! Very true!!
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