holycrapimyourmom

When I was 22 I wore half tops. When I was 22 I got so hammered at a party that I walked through a screen door. When I was 22 I did Ecstasy a bunch. When I was 22 I would drink and drive a bunch. When I was 22 I thought my tits were the best things about me. When I was 22 I would talk shit about all of my friends behind their backs. When I was 22 I would smoke cigarettes. When I was 22 I showed up to an interview drunk. When I was 22 I thought blow jobs were "fun". When I was 22 I would do cocaine. When I was 22 I shaved off all my pubes. When I was 22 I would go a tanning salon. When I was 22 I thought I didn't have to pay my bills. When I was 22 I would have road rage. When I was 22 I had a tongue ring. When I was 22 I thought 30 was old AF. When I was 22 I had to move back in with my parents. When I was 22 I was in a cover band. When I was 22, I was an asshole. I made stupid decisions, said stupid things and behaved stupidly basically every day of my...

My husband just gave our 13 month old baby a plastic bag to "play with" as he worked on his fantasy football draft. I walked in the room at the exact moment she was putting it over her head, ripped it out of her hand and saved her from potentially suffocating. I shot my hubs the old "whatinthefuck?!" look I've perfected over the last couple of years, to which he replied, "What?!" He later admitted it probably wasn't the best decision he's ever made. Sometimes men don't make good decisions. Oddly, all of the bad decisions that have affected our country for the worse for so long were made by men. Interesting. So how come some people are still hanging onto this "how can I trust a woman to make all the decisions for me?" shit? Essentially, if Donald Trump is elected,  not only will he let this county play with that plastic bag until they suffocate themselves, he'll give them to you as a free gift when you buy his crappy stea...

My husband just gave our 13 month old baby a plastic bag to "play with" as he worked on his fantasy football. I walked in the room at the exact moment she was putting it over her head which could have lead to her suffocating. He later admitted it wasn't the best decisions he's made, even though he was standing right there. You know, most men don't always make good decisions. In fact, all of the bad decisions that have affected our country for the worse for so long were made by men. So why are some people still hanging onto this "can a woman with all her emotions make good decisions for our country" shit? Essentially, if Donald Trump is elected,  not only will he let this county play with that plastic bag until they suffocate themselves, he'll give them to you as a free gift when you buy his crappy steaks that he got passed as a bill as the only meat Americans can buy. I don't know about you, but I'd like to keep on breathing. Hillary ...

My husband just gave our 13 month old baby a plastic bag to "play with" as he worked on his fantasy football. I walked in the room at the exact moment she was putting it over her head and suffocated herself. He later admitted it wasn't the best decisions he's made, even though he was standing right there. You know, most men don't always make good decisions. In fact, all of the bad decisions that have affected our country for the worse for so long were made by men. So why are some people still hanging onto this "can a woman with all her emotions make good decisions for our country" shit? Essentially, if Donald Trump is elected,  not only will he let this county play with that plastic bag until they suffocate themselves, he'll give them to you as a free gift when you buy his crappy steaks that he got passed as a bill as the only meat Americans can buy. I don't know about you, but I'd like to keep on breathing. Hillary Clinton for Presid...

I have been a struggling comedian for as long as I can remember. Like, years and years and years. Sure, I've had some successful moments and of course me doing stand up lead to me meeting my husband which lead to me having my sweet baby (and ruined butt hole. If this reference doesn't make any sense, please scroll down to one of my previous posts regarding the butt hole business). I have had a million day jobs in between comedy work, begun projects that have failed miserably, produced shows that only one person has attended, racked up insane debt in order to do festivals, and once bombed so hard that a dude heckled me with "Kill yourself!" I have auditioned for hundreds and hundreds of commercials and shows, been put on "avail" and not booked so many times, cried in the bathroom after sucking at a big audition, yelled "I'm fucking quitting!!!!" to myself in my car on the way home from a terrible audition, and have eaten my weight in feelings i...

Since I've had my baby things have changed quite a bit. In addition to the regular things that change (sleep, eating, social life, sex, peeing when you want, showering daily, day drinking, etc...) what I watch on TV is so much different. I LOVE the horror genre and I have on many occasions had some scary movie on at 2 in the afternoon when a friend would drop by and be a little disturbed, which I later decided was really just a veiled impressed!  Obvs since I have the Bae I can't just turn on Saw 4 while she's having lunch and expect her to not grow up to be a serial killer. Other shows I can't watch anymore include: Intervention, Hoarders, Cops, Real Housewives of anything, actually anything with the words "Wives", "Flavor", "Love", or "Tour Bus" in it. Those days are long gone, but luckily in their absence I have rediscovered the joy that is Sesame Street! This show is so delightful and hilarious, and since being produced by HB...

And now Parenthood Theatre presents for your viewing pleasure an improvised dramatic play entitled "My Mother is an Asshole and Won't Let Me Eat This Plastic Bag for No Reason!" Don't worry if you're not a theater person, this is a super short show with only one act and not much of an arc. In the first scene we see our lead characters, Mommy and Bo, who are out on an evening walk with their sweet dog, Dave. Things are great at first and as Mommy and Bo make their way through the serene setting that is Valley Village on a cool, late summer evening, life seems perfect. However things take an abrupt turn as Bo discovers the plastic bag on the leash that was reserved for Dave that Mommy was clearly keeping from her in an attempt to torture her in some way. The next scene depicts a triumphant Bo and naive Mommy, who doesn't realize that her baby daughter has decided to put the potentially dangerous plastic bag in her mouth while Mommy, in her blissful state...

You know those scenes in movies where someone, usually a dude, says something inappropriate and the strong women that he offended so carelessly throws a drink in his face? And the man always takes it sheepishly, showing with a look that he knows he fucked up and shouldn't have crossed whatever line he did to get that drink thrown at him. Then he gently dabs his face with a napkin while the woman storms out and hails a cab, not looking back to see if he chases after her, which of course he does. Then, later in the story after we see a montage of them both moving on, her more successfully than him, there is a scene where the guy calls and leave a message on her answering machine, or writes her a letter from Spain where he went to gather his thoughts and he apologizes for whatever he did and begs to see her just one more time. We've all fantasized about something like that, right? Showing that guy that his garish behavior deserved nothing less, and he got off easy if you as...

I brought the baby to one of those baby play places today so she could hang out with other babies and I guess establish a hard core baby gang or whatever babies do at this age. Most of the other mommies or nannies were about my age if not older, and I soon struck up a conversation with a women who had a little girl about the same age as my Bo. She was effortlessly cool with wavy dark hair and skinny jeans that split at the knee. She had an easy laugh and laid back style that people instantly think of when they picture the inhabitants of Southern California. When it was announced that the babies had free play and the parents were to step back and relax for a while she and sat next to each other and gazed at our sweet playful babies crawling around on the mat. After a few moments of oohing and ahhing and snapping pics on our phones: Me: This place is so great, right? Her: I love it! Such a fun environment! Me: Totally! Are you here every week? Her: Yup! Like clockwork! Me: That...