The First 15...

I have a new segment for this blog, and also my life, that I will call The First 15.

This is a play by play of every event that has taken place during the first 15 minutes of my day. My life now, as you will discover, is a complete and utter shit show from the jump. This is not a unique experience for most mothers, but I continue to be flabbergasted by how insane it all is, all the GD time. 

Enjoy.

6:43 am-I awaken to the dulcet tones of my baby screaming. He is laying right beside me in bed, because I was too tired to put him back into his sleep nest last night, so it's really f'ing loud.
6:44 am-I manage to shove my boob into his mouth so he stops crying, even though I'm fairly certain my exhausted, drained breasts have nothing more to give. I re-close my eyes, hoping to fall back asleep for a little while. But then...
6:44 am-My toddler, smelling an opportunity to rip sleep away from me, starts calling, nay, BELLOWING, my name over and over from her room.
6:45 am-I squeeze my eyes shut and pretend I can't hear her. My husband sleepily mentions that I will have to get up anyway, since if he does it she'll just freak out until I come in, because "No, Mommy do it!" It's her new thing. Her new thing sucks.
6:46 am-My eyes are still closed. Maybe if I don't move my husband will assume I've gone into a coma brought on by lack of sleep and losing my identity.
6:47 am-My daughter hasn't stopped yelling for me, and has successfully worn me down. I get up and start to walk to her room, but I'm making sure everyone is clear that I am fucking pissed about it.
6:47 am-I open my kids door to find her standing up in her bed. She cheerfully says "Hi Mommy, hi!"
6:47 am-Dammit, my kid is cute AF! I can't stay mad at her!
6:48 am-For some reason I agree to let her get in bed with us, because I'm a fucking idiot.
6:48 am-She gets in on my side of the bed, and lays down horizontally. Now there is no where for me to lay down in our bed.
6:48 am-I instinctively lay down at the foot of the bed like a damn dog. Just a few more minutes of sleep, please Jesus.
6:49 am-Bo has jostled Charlie, who is back to screaming. Fuck it. "Let's get up!" I say in a sing song-y voice that only serial killers and really, really tired moms have.
6:49 am-Charlie needs to be changed. I go to grab a diaper.
6:49 am-Bo offers to "Help Mommy" change the baby.
6:49 am-I tell her thank you, but I can do it! Go down and have breakfast with Daddy!
6:50 am-Bo starts to scream-negotiate-insist that she helps, so I give in and let her try to "help" with the diaper change by handing me wipes.
6:50 am-I open the baby's diaper and notice that Charlie has had a bowel movement which can only be described as "disturbing". I ask Bo to hand me a wipe.
6:50 am-Bo has decided that her version of helping is not handing me the wipes like we previously discussed. In fact, she decided to "help" by throwing the wipes on the floor.
6:51 am-After realizing it would be faster if I just grab the wipes off the floor myself instead of asking her to do it, because fuck it at this point, Bo reaches over and yanks Charlies binky out of his mouth. A shit storm is a'brewin'. Charlie starts to wail.
6:51 am-Bo thinks it's kind of funny, which pissed me off. I tell her to give it back. She refuses. I ask again. She says no. This goes on for longer than it should.
6:52 am-"Fine, you win!" I say too loudly and startle the baby, who starts to cry louder. I proceed to attempt to change him sans binky.
6:52 am-Charlie starts to pee, and because of the direction that his tiny baby junk was facing, he's peeing on his own face.
6:52 am-I, being the loving and responsible provider that I am, try to stop my baby from giving himself a a golden shower by placing one of the wipes over his wiener. Sadly in that moment, Charlie flinched a little and his aim flipped over to me.
6:52 am-I'm in the middle of getting baby pee in my eyes and bangs. Bo, still "helping" said, "Mommy? Charlie go pee pee?" I don't answer because I didn't want pee in my mouth. I am, after all, a lady.
6:52 am-Charlie has finally stopped peeing. I take a moment to ponder how he had that much liquid in his teeny body. Did someone give him a Big Gulp to fuck with me? Because holy shit.
6:52 am-Charlie and I look at each other. We both have pee on our faces. Suddenly we feel embarrassed, so I quickly proceed to clean him up and he averts his eyes to that fascinating fan above my head. We silently agree to never speak of this again.
6:53 am-Charlie is clean and dry. I still have pee in my bangs. I made an announcement that we're all going downstairs.
6:53 am-Bo declares that she has pooped. And by the smell of things she wasn't fucking kidding.
6:54 am-I grab her size diapers and wipes from the floor next to the bed. I start to attempt to change her. She starts yelling "NONONONOOOOO!" and kicking me.
6:54 am-I tell her it's pretty gross to want to hang out in your own poop. She thinks that's a ridiculous notion, because clearly it's awesome to sit in your own poop!
6:54 am-A cartoon-ish chase commences between myself and my two and a half year old. She's unusually strong and fast.
6:55 am-I have pinned her down and am trying to change her. She still fights. She kicks me in my tits over and over. It was too fast to count, but I figure it was between 15 and 300 rapid fire tit kicks. I look down and notice that I have giant milk stains on my nightgown. They're the size of adult male heads.
6:56 am-I am finally victorious in getting my daughter changed. I tell Bo to go downstairs, I have to use the bathroom. Charlie is still on the bed and has quieted down.
6:57 am-I emerge from the bathroom to see that Bo has emptied out the bottom half of my dresser. Three full drawers. How the fuck did she manage this? I don't have time to figure it out because she has found my old vibrator. She picks it up.
6:57 am-"Oh, NO!!" I yell. This again startles Charlie, who again begins to scream. Bo is looking at the vibrator. She tries to turn it on.
6:57 am-I flash back to those nights that I'm pretty sure I conceived my children. I wonder out loud "How did I get here?" Then glance at my old vibrator and think, "Where were you when I needed you?!"
6:57 am-Bo has lost interest in the vibrator. She throws it down. She runs out the door because her Daddy yelled something that sounded like "waffles".
6:58 am-I pick up Charlie and start to head out the bedroom door when I hear the familiar sounds of a baby filling his pants with shit.
6:58 am-I have given up on all my hopes and dreams.