If you're a parent I bet your days are filled to the brim with utter fear and anxiety that at any minute the world will end. It's scary enough having kids and worrying they're going to hurt themselves just by falling off their roller shoes, let alone the possibility of them walking into a Chuck E Cheese on a random Tuesday and having to duck and cover because one of the animatronics with a history of violence has beef with the day manager. (How did he get hired in the first place?!)
So what are we, as parents of the future generation, supposed to do to deal with all this insanity? While there are the logical and thoughtful solutions suggested time after time like, uh, how about we don't give that dude who with a Google history exclusively on "How To Burn A Cat Alive Without Making A Mess" that AR-15, ideas like that are clearly insane and threaten the very core of all American values of being able to own ALL THE GUNS. It seems like the only thing we can do is come up with some new, bolder solutions.
We've all heard the "Less Guns, More Guns" argument, but I'd like to throw my hat in the ring with some alternative suggestions.
1. Give Pets More Guns!
Sure, we can give every teacher in America a semi automatic rifle and hope for the best, but this idea doesn't go far enough in my opinion! Let's also arm our pets! They seem to have some of the same criteria as most people who have access to murder machines, in that they don't know how to flip on the safety and get spooked really easily. (As an example, I just dropped a roll of toilet paper near my dog, Dave, and he peed on the floor a little bit). If you think this idea is absurd because animals don't have opposable thumbs, then you clearly aren't down to make America great again! I just watched Benji with my two year old, and if they can train that dog to turn a lamp on and off, I'm sure they can teach them how to haphazardly pull a trigger. It is probably the real reason that duct tape was actually invented in the first place!
2. Thoughts And Prayers Don't Do Anything, So Let's Try Satan!
I would like to propose exploring the other, darker side and just sign an eternal agreement with Beelzebub. While I'm not particularly religious it seems like the ones making all the shittiest decisions that affect all of us are the ones that also claim to be the most Christian. And boy, thanks so much for those helpful thoughts and prayers, they're really helping this bullet wound that collapsed my lung feel so much better! The upside of the Satan route is that we know what the outcome will be so we can chill out about the other stuff! Sure, burning in hell for eternity doesn't sound super pleasant in the afterlife, but does it sound any worse that having to listen to Kellyanne Conway talk about how much she loves her Ivanka brand mom jeans on CNN today? You decide.
3. Be Black Out Drunk Literally Every Moment of Every Day Forever!
I would be lying if this wasn't my favorite alternative. Of course this comes with some rules, like you can never take your children anywhere in a vehicle, and it's likely that you'll say something you can't take back to the nice pharmacist at the CVS. But honestly doesn't this seem like a good idea? You can wake up in the morning, albeit hungover to shit, but right away start hitting the bottle and numbing those pesky feelings that had you all worried to begin with. By the time you get around to checking out the latest bullshit on Fox News, you are so hammered all you can focus on is the glare of the lights from Tomi Lahren's taught, Botoxed forehead. There are also several food delivery services you can subscribe to, and your kids friends will just refer to you as "that lady who is always asleep on the bathroom floor".
4. Become A Human Cockroach!
Okay, I get that this is a little science fiction-y for most of you, but just give it a chance. Cockroaches are known for their ability to survive in even the worst circumstances. I can speak to this a bit, as for a year I lived in a rent controlled apartment on the Upper East Side that should have been condemned due to it's chronic problem with feces in the shower pipes. Alas, my roach friends thrived during those times making lemons into feces-aid and living their best lives. I figure if someone could feasibly make a human centipede, how much of a leap is it to become a cockroach? All you'd need is an exoskeleton made out of some sort of vinyl or thin metal, not be scared of the dark and dine out of garbage cans. Easy peasy! Plus if you combine this with idea number three on the list you won't even care that people scream and try to step on you every time you're spotted!
5. Get Yourself A Head Injury Like The One Drew Barrymore Had In 50 First Dates!
If you don't recall that movie, it stars Drew and Adam Sandler as two people who live in Hawaii and fall in love. The twist is that Drew was in an accident which effected her ability to remember things and every time she fell asleep, she would wake up the next day thinking it was the day that she got in her accident and not recall anything that happened previously or after. It's super cute, I love that movie. I also love this idea, because you can honestly say you have no idea what's going on and live in ignorant bliss all the time. The only downside is that it's too late to get our head injuries while Obama was still in office. That way we could really continue on with living with hope.
So what are we, as parents of the future generation, supposed to do to deal with all this insanity? While there are the logical and thoughtful solutions suggested time after time like, uh, how about we don't give that dude who with a Google history exclusively on "How To Burn A Cat Alive Without Making A Mess" that AR-15, ideas like that are clearly insane and threaten the very core of all American values of being able to own ALL THE GUNS. It seems like the only thing we can do is come up with some new, bolder solutions.
We've all heard the "Less Guns, More Guns" argument, but I'd like to throw my hat in the ring with some alternative suggestions.
1. Give Pets More Guns!
Sure, we can give every teacher in America a semi automatic rifle and hope for the best, but this idea doesn't go far enough in my opinion! Let's also arm our pets! They seem to have some of the same criteria as most people who have access to murder machines, in that they don't know how to flip on the safety and get spooked really easily. (As an example, I just dropped a roll of toilet paper near my dog, Dave, and he peed on the floor a little bit). If you think this idea is absurd because animals don't have opposable thumbs, then you clearly aren't down to make America great again! I just watched Benji with my two year old, and if they can train that dog to turn a lamp on and off, I'm sure they can teach them how to haphazardly pull a trigger. It is probably the real reason that duct tape was actually invented in the first place!
2. Thoughts And Prayers Don't Do Anything, So Let's Try Satan!I would like to propose exploring the other, darker side and just sign an eternal agreement with Beelzebub. While I'm not particularly religious it seems like the ones making all the shittiest decisions that affect all of us are the ones that also claim to be the most Christian. And boy, thanks so much for those helpful thoughts and prayers, they're really helping this bullet wound that collapsed my lung feel so much better! The upside of the Satan route is that we know what the outcome will be so we can chill out about the other stuff! Sure, burning in hell for eternity doesn't sound super pleasant in the afterlife, but does it sound any worse that having to listen to Kellyanne Conway talk about how much she loves her Ivanka brand mom jeans on CNN today? You decide.
3. Be Black Out Drunk Literally Every Moment of Every Day Forever!
I would be lying if this wasn't my favorite alternative. Of course this comes with some rules, like you can never take your children anywhere in a vehicle, and it's likely that you'll say something you can't take back to the nice pharmacist at the CVS. But honestly doesn't this seem like a good idea? You can wake up in the morning, albeit hungover to shit, but right away start hitting the bottle and numbing those pesky feelings that had you all worried to begin with. By the time you get around to checking out the latest bullshit on Fox News, you are so hammered all you can focus on is the glare of the lights from Tomi Lahren's taught, Botoxed forehead. There are also several food delivery services you can subscribe to, and your kids friends will just refer to you as "that lady who is always asleep on the bathroom floor".
4. Become A Human Cockroach!Okay, I get that this is a little science fiction-y for most of you, but just give it a chance. Cockroaches are known for their ability to survive in even the worst circumstances. I can speak to this a bit, as for a year I lived in a rent controlled apartment on the Upper East Side that should have been condemned due to it's chronic problem with feces in the shower pipes. Alas, my roach friends thrived during those times making lemons into feces-aid and living their best lives. I figure if someone could feasibly make a human centipede, how much of a leap is it to become a cockroach? All you'd need is an exoskeleton made out of some sort of vinyl or thin metal, not be scared of the dark and dine out of garbage cans. Easy peasy! Plus if you combine this with idea number three on the list you won't even care that people scream and try to step on you every time you're spotted!
5. Get Yourself A Head Injury Like The One Drew Barrymore Had In 50 First Dates!
If you don't recall that movie, it stars Drew and Adam Sandler as two people who live in Hawaii and fall in love. The twist is that Drew was in an accident which effected her ability to remember things and every time she fell asleep, she would wake up the next day thinking it was the day that she got in her accident and not recall anything that happened previously or after. It's super cute, I love that movie. I also love this idea, because you can honestly say you have no idea what's going on and live in ignorant bliss all the time. The only downside is that it's too late to get our head injuries while Obama was still in office. That way we could really continue on with living with hope.
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