Holy Crap, I Have Two Kids Now!

Bo holding her little brother, Charlie, for the first time. Clearly she thinks he should be able to handle his own neck by now. 

On March 26th at 4:06pm Charlie Wilder Cobb was born.

He decided that his accommodations in my uterus had grown stale and that he would make an appearance three weeks early. Cheeky little fella.

Since he was early no one was here to help out yet, which is why at 2:00 am that Monday morning when my water broke we made the decision that I would drive myself to the hospital. Bo was still asleep and going through the experience of waking her up out of a dead sleep would be way more painful than any labor pains I could have. It honestly seemed easier to just get myself to Cedars Sinai and figure it out later.

The moment after my water broke and our new Ikea duvet cover is destroyed.

While I'd like to be viewed as a total bad ass driving myself during the beginning stages of labor, the truth is it wasn't that big of a deal. See, in movies when a woman's water breaks she immediately launches into gut wrenching contractions as she writhes and screams in pain, barely making it into her hospital gown before her baby's head is crowning. But that's not really how it is! Basically my water broke in our bed, I got up, brushed my teeth, put on sweat pants, packed my bag, ate a few cookies, then left. NBD. I didn't even start having contractions until a couple hours after being admitted.

I know what you're wondering as you read this. Did Amy, being the strong, independent woman that she is cave and get the epidural? You bet your sweet ass I did! And I would do it again! I wish I had it right now! Epidurals are AWESOME!!!

The first time I was in labor I waited until the pains were so bad I honestly thought Bo was going to emerge from the middle of my stomach a la Alien. This time however the doctor informed me that waiting is for assholes, and that the drugs are available for a reason. So that we don't have to feel pain! Which is why she makes the big bucks, because she's a goddamn genius!

Oh and speaking of my doctor, another interesting thing that accompanied Charlie coming early was the fact that my regular OB was out of town when I went into labor. I LOVE my OB. She delivered Bo and is amazing. I wasn't nervous when she said she had to go visit her father in India because she would be back by March 28th, and I wasn't due until April 12th. I had Bo a week early, so I figured that may happen this time around too, but that gave us plenty of time. Luckily the sub doc was incredible, so it wasn't a big deal. I mean, again, read the paragraph above about the pain meds. She is the jam!

Anyway, back to the birth. So I got my precious epidural and was immediately relieved of the pain. I was also relieved of the ability to feel my legs at all. In fact, my left leg became as useless as Betsy DeVos at a public school bake sale. In my delightfully high state I remember saying several times that someone should go ahead and stab me because I couldn't feel it, and it would be cool to watch. Thus explaining why people should probably not have an epidural on a random weekday for funsies. Everyone would be stabbed in their legs all the time.

This epidural was so effective that I didn't notice that my son had moved himself down the birth canal steadily for the next couple of hours. So steadily in fact that at one point the nurse, Carla, came to check on his heart rate only to discover it wasn't where she thought it was. Because it was down by my vagina. Because my son was crowning and I had no idea. Yep. During my nap my kid wriggled his way down and was basically birthing himself. While I was having a eating jello and making requests of the staff to stab me in my legs, he was starting to come out on his own.

I gave birth to Blue Steel

After she noticed that everything went very fast. The doctor came in, I was put into the pushing position, which required my husband to hoist up my dead weight leg behind the knee so he could help move the birth along. But since my leg was as heavy and dead as a bloated mobster being fished out of the Hudson river, he actually grunted while trying to lift it! Nothing makes a gal feel sexier than having a human basically hanging out of her vagina as her life partner throws out his back trying to bend her knee. But no one said this was going to be pretty. 

Now we're ready. The doctor tells me to push. I bare down, thinking I'm giving it my all. But since the epidural was so fresh I couldn't really tell if I was actually pushing or just making a face like I was. It was the latter, because the doctor said "No, really push. Don't just make a face." She didn't F around.

So I focus my mental energy on my nether region and push with all that I had. Then the doctor tells my husband to look down. He does, and gasps. And they pull out my baby.

Yes, I am that woman. The one you hear stories about. That asshole mom who had their baby in one push and didn't even feel it. I'm sorry, but the legend is real. I will be taking questions at the press conference.

Later when we were back in the recovery room my husband lovingly recalled the moment that he witnessed our son being born. With a tear in his eye he said, "You know what it looked like? Do you remember that movie Ghoulies? Where the monsters popped out of the toilet? That's kind of what it looked like." 

My husband, the poet. 

Even through I was on Percocet for the pain and a little out of it, I knew that I would have to kill him where he stood. I started to peruse my hospital bed for something blunt and heavy. Luckily he quickly realized the error in this statement and followed up with: "No, not that. It was more like that game Whack A Mole." What a charmer, he should write greeting cards. 

After Charlie was born he had to go to the NICU for about five days. He had some fluid in his lungs and needed to be monitored. It was scary, but he was in great hands and came home the following Saturday. Since then it's been a total shit show! In the best possible way, of course.

So there you  have it. And then there were four. I would love to stay and write more, but I have to take a nap while I'm peeing as it's the only time I have to myself nowadays.

Damn my kids are friggin' cute!!!