holycrapimyourmom

Dear Neighbor Downstairs Oh my, what a day it's been! I had to teach this morning early so I got up around 7:20 or so, which is fairly reasonable for the employed, and was out the door by 8:00am. What fun I had with the 3rd graders I have the pleasure of teaching the basics of creative writing to! They are so full of life and creativity. It fills me with endless joy and enthusiasm for the future of our country after a day of teaching! However, my afternoon wasn't so jolly as I got some bad news.  Oh the blow I took this afternoon after my husband read out loud to me yet another noise complaint from you, which is the third one. (I didn't feel the need to write you a letter for the second, since our landlord explained that she thought you may be one of those "people who just need to complain for attention") which made me feel sad for you. But now, dear neighbor, I've decided that you have crossed a boundary that few have ever crossed with a mother. You have h...

I started having sex when I was 15 years old.  I lost my virginity to some dude from a neighboring town of the Minnesotan suburb where I was living at the time. To this day I can't recall his name, but I think it started with a B...or an R. It was a letter of the alphabet for sure, so I'm a little closer to solving this case. I was 15 years old and a sophomore in high school. I was a Varsity cheerleader, had hideous clear brackets for my braces, and met this guy at the Mall of America in line at the Hot Dog on a Stick. He was 18 and we humped in the front seat of his '89 Corolla (how sad is that, right? I can remember his shitty car but not his name?!) after dating for a couple of weeks. We didn't use a condom, it was painful and irresponsible and the worst. Thinking back on that now I don't know why I was so eager to rid myself of that pesky old hymen, but apparently I felt strongly that it was holding me back. Evidentially it was, as I went on to have sloppy, un...

Recently I logged onto Facebook and one of the first entries in the feed I see reads: "Parents, stop giving your kids iPads, you're creating idiots!" followed by a bunch of emojis I didn't understand, but it looked like Christmas Tree, Face with Tongue Sticking Out, Hands. I barely know the person who posted this, however I'm pretty sure that they themselves don't have any kids of their own at the moment. Childless adults are pretty quick to judge parents, and God knows I did it constantly before I had my kid. Some phrases I would regularly utter would be: "Oh my God, how could you let your daughter out of the house like that! That's shitty parenting!" "Jesus Christ, shut that kid up already! No one wants to hear them screaming in Target/this airplane/museum/etc!" "Are you serious? An iPad for a four year old? See, this is why kids are so stupid these days! Nice work, awful parent!". The first statement was in referenc...

My 17 month old daughter started walking about two months ago. I, like an idiot, encouraged her to do it. I would hold her hands and have her let go for a second, she'd wobble and fall, but discover it wasn't such a big deal. After a bit she got braver, taking some steps by herself before reaching for my hand again. Then one day she woke up and decided she wasn't going to need anymore of my lame ass help, she was on her own. And she was ready to fuck some shit up. That was the day that my life really took a nose dive to sucksville, population 2. Well, three if you count our dog, Dave, who I'm pretty confident counts himself because his life sucks now too. We're all going down with this ship. Look it wasn't like I didn't know this was coming. All of my other mama friends with kids who were walking already had a commonality among them. They'd say, "Oh, just you wait! It's going to be so crazy soon! You'll be more tired than you were when ...

Hey there! Check out this post I wrote for Real Mom Daily! ANTI-VAXXERS RUINED MY HAPPY PLACE By Amy Albert I love Target. I love the layout of the place: clothes next to the electronics, across from the seasonal decorations, which happens to be next to the soup. I love that I go there when I’m feeling down and need a little pick-me-up in the form of $5 underpants. I love that I can get all kinds of booze and a breast-pump kit on the same trip, and not only is it acceptable, it’s expected. It’s my happy place. And someone tried to ruin it. On this day my 15-month-old daughter Bo and I are taking our usual route (women’s clothes to Tide and Windex, to dog food, then around to baby stuff), and we stop in front of the baby-clothes aisle, where I always find the cutest things for my kid, which she will outgrow by EOD. I’m kneeling down looking for her size in this sweater with a fuzzy dog on it, and I hear a woman say, “Oh, what a beautiful baby!” I couldn’t agree mo...

If you're like me, you're just dying to have an epic parenting fail that you can laugh about one day, maybe. I went ahead and put together a little step by step guide based on a recent experience I had where I failed my ass off. Give this a try and soon you'll be failing epically like a pro! What you'll need: -To have left the bathroom door open accidentally. -To have your husband out of town for a few days due to work, so you're alone. -To have taken your eyes off of your toddler for about 20 seconds or so. Got those things? Great! You're ready to have an Epic Parent Fail! Step one: Leave your toddler in her seat enjoying her snack while watching the Sesame Street Christmas Episode for the 30th time in a row. Step Two: Turn your back as you go into the kitchen to grab a La Croix. Step Three: Return to where you were sitting only to find that your daughter had somehow unbuckled her strap and wasn't in the room anymore. Step Four: Call out your...

I wrote this to my baby when she was still living in my belly, cockblocking me from all the fun things I used to love to do, like drink in the morning and run a fight club. Now my Bo is here, kicking ass and taking binkies. She's an LA kid, so she'll be totally fine.  Anyhoo, here it is!  PS. The end is hormone fueled. Oxytocin man, it's a mother fucker! ;) Dear baby,   As it seems you will be born right here in sunny LA, I feel it is my duty as your mom to alert you to something called the "bullshit” factor here. It refers to the many, many, many times someone will say something to you that may not have the exact meaning of what they intend. This is a universal phenomenon, but here in LA it’s considered the second most widely understood language. Honestly, I'm pretty sure it's tied with Spanish (which you will also be learning because I really want you to teach ME!). Here are a couple of examples of phrases you may hear that I w...