holycrapimyourmom

I recently broached the idea of raising Bo to be an only child and weighed my feelings about it in addition to assessing how I felt about other people's feelings about it. I mentioned in that post that my own mother, Carol, is an only child, and I wanted to get the low down on what it's like to grow up as the only, and a couple of extra, super hard hitting questions to set the tone. Enjoy! 1.  Hi there. I understand you are in fact Amy's mom. What was that like?  To be totally in love with this tiny creature who amazes you more and more and more each day, each year. From the first successful nursing to the first bite of mashed banana, from the first smile, and step, and word, all the way through Delilah Dix and Assistance. And beyond! 2. Amy recently gave birth to baby girl named Bo. What are your true  feelings about her name? Her name is brilliant! “Bo,” with the requisite long vowel sound. The simplicity that states, right up front, “I’m here and I’m not s...

Dear Downstairs Neighbor, Welcome to the building/neighborhood! I hope you're adjusting well to the valley and have familiarized yourself with the shops and grocers! Valley Village is a wonderful place to reside, and I'm always here to answer any pressing questions regarding the local fair, so never hesitate to come on up! You know, speaking of pressing matters, I did have something I wanted to discuss with you, neighbor. I heard from our landlord today and your name was mentioned, and sadly she told us that you made a noise complaint against us. Huge bummer!  She said something about how you, our brand new neighbor who's been here less than two weeks at this point, told her that we were too loud, we "dropped things" on the floor sometimes, and that our baby "cried on occasion" which was incredibly inconvenient for you. My goodness, wow! I am so sorry we were bothering you so much! Let me be the first to apologize for our garish behavior, and pleas...

Dear Humans, If you're like me and a majority of all the people I know, today, November 9th, 2016 has been a very dark day. The day after the the most unlikely of candidates, Donald Trump, with his hate speech, racism, sexism and gutter class behavior, shocked the nation by claiming the highest position in American government as the President of the United States against who we all revered as our hero, Hillary Clinton. It has left us as an astonished and confused nation in a fog of sadness and anger. It's a weird, awful time. And on this day, November 9th, 2016, my daughter, Bo, turned 15 months and decided it was time for her first steps on her own. Amongst the blackness, confusion and fear that we were all experiencing there was this lovely, big blue eyed, blonde haired angel of a silver lining toddling her way around my kitchen. It felt like the most perfect analogy ever. Bo taking her first steps on this, one of the most disheartening days i have ever experienced pers...

My daughter, Bo, is about to turn 15 months. She's so lovely and I have to admit there have been many times when I've mentioned to my husband I would like to have another one, but the fact is she may be the only kid we ever have. I am totally fine with this, since she is completely bad ass and perfect, natch. When other people ask me if we're thinking about having more kids and I tell them that there's a good chance she'll be my only, I get: "Oh, come on, she can't grow up without a brother or sister! She'll be lonely!" or: " You simply cannot deny her the experience of having a sibling! It'll make her weird!" However the most common is "You can't raise her as an only child, she'll turn out to be an asshole!" This comment usually comes from someone I either know very, VERY well or someone I have just met who knows I'm a comedian and thinks I'll laugh. Fair enough, well played, and to be honest I us...

Becky was my first editor at one of my freelance writing jobs for AfterParty Magazine. She's not only kind and lovely, but just an all around badass. I feel so lucky to know her even a little bit, and honored she would write something for this blog. So without further adieu, ladies and..ladies (probably), here it is! I’m Trying to Raise a Son Who’s Not a Dick By Becky Sasso I’m not gonna lie. The day I found out I was pregnant with a boy I cried all the way home. Until that day I was certain my baby (which Pinterest told me was about the size of an avocado or apricot or some shit) was a girl. I had all kinds of fantasies about how I would be the most strong, positive, badass mom to a girl ever. I would finally have a captive audience for all my hard-won wisdom about how to do a perfect French braid and being a woman in a country that basically doesn’t give a shit about you unless you are a white man. My fantasy daughter and I would rock matching hairstyles and she would be a...

Dear Mr. Trump, I, like every other human woman on the planet, think you're pretty disgusting, and with this weeks leaked tape of you bragging to Billy Bush about how you're so famous that you can just grab women by their pussies, and they're totes okay with this, have only furthered our feelings of utter disgust. However, I'm grappling with the whole "grabbing" a pussy thing. Not only because it's abhorrent and pathetic, but because I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the mechanics of it.  You see, Mr. Trump, vagina's, pardon me, pussies, are pretty hard to grab. They're innies, not outies. You have an outie, sir, which is a lot easier to grab, but in order to "grab a pussy" I imagine you'd have some challenges. I've been really thinking about this, making diagrams and conducted a series of experiments on this subject, and here are my findings.  In order to really "grab" a pussy one must not onl...

When I was 22 I wore half tops. When I was 22 I got so hammered at a party that I walked through a screen door. When I was 22 I did Ecstasy a bunch. When I was 22 I would drink and drive a bunch. When I was 22 I thought my tits were the best things about me. When I was 22 I would talk shit about all of my friends behind their backs. When I was 22 I would smoke cigarettes. When I was 22 I showed up to an interview drunk. When I was 22 I thought blow jobs were "fun". When I was 22 I would do cocaine. When I was 22 I shaved off all my pubes. When I was 22 I would go a tanning salon. When I was 22 I thought I didn't have to pay my bills. When I was 22 I would have road rage. When I was 22 I had a tongue ring. When I was 22 I thought 30 was old AF. When I was 22 I had to move back in with my parents. When I was 22 I was in a cover band. When I was 22, I was an asshole. I made stupid decisions, said stupid things and behaved stupidly basically every day of my...