Skip to main content

About the whole "grabbing pussies" thing...

Dear Mr. Trump,

I, like every other human woman on the planet, think you're pretty disgusting, and with this weeks leaked tape of you bragging to Billy Bush about how you're so famous that you can just grab women by their pussies, and they're totes okay with this, have only furthered our feelings of utter disgust.
However, I'm grappling with the whole "grabbing" a pussy thing. Not only because it's abhorrent and pathetic, but because I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the mechanics of it. 

You see, Mr. Trump, vagina's, pardon me, pussies, are pretty hard to grab. They're innies, not outies. You have an outie, sir, which is a lot easier to grab, but in order to "grab a pussy" I imagine you'd have some challenges. I've been really thinking about this, making diagrams and conducted a series of experiments on this subject, and here are my findings. 

In order to really "grab" a pussy one must not only possess limber and dexterous fingers, but also a specific angle and perfected grip style. If you're coming at the pussy like it's an upside down bowling ball as your grab technique, that would require a kind of swiftness that is not only awkward but you also risk a wrist injury. If, say the person attached to the pussy decides that she's not in the mood to have her pussy grabbed at that very moment, turns suddenly and traps your hand, you put yourself at risk of wrenching and bending your fingers into such a state you may never be able to sign your name to a tax document claiming you lost almost a billion dollars comfortably again! 

Perhaps you meant that you grabbed from down below, the old "pervert hiding under the bleachers" move. Yet somehow that doesn't really gel with "The Donald" personality we've all come to know and loathe. You would never put yourself in a position to not be seen, so hiding under something with the sole intent to "grab a pussy" would imply that you purposely removed yourself from the view of the public, and that's nuts! 

Maybe you move in with the "crab claw" hand and quickly clamp and pinch that pussy upon initial greeting. However, you're right handed, and a business man, so I imagine you shake the pussy's owners hand while you're going in for the grab. Grabbing a pussy with your non dominant hand could possibly come off as a mistake, and not the full forced pussy grab that you originally intended and deserve!

Gosh, Donald, I'm sorry to tell you this but it seems like my findings only reveal one possible conclusion: you have no idea what an actually pussy is. 

I'd like to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that what you have actually grabbed was another part of the female body, like an elbow or knee. Or perhaps you clamped onto an excess of fabric from a parka or long wool sweater vest and mistook it for a pussy. These are very grab-able things, Mr. Trump, but a pussy...not so much.

Look,we get it. How are we ever going to take you seriously as the Commander in Chief if you haven't grabbed a pussy or two? We need a leader who isn't afraid to grab a pussy by the horns and lead this nation into being great again! You've thought to yourself, "I bet Taft would grab a pussy! Reagan must have grabbed a bunch!" Who says you didn't prepare to be President! 

So how about this; go on a knowledge quest! Hit up your local library, attend a seminar, or simply ask your wife about her pussy! I'm sure she'd be happy to take a picture and explain to you what you're seeing! And while you're going on this learning journey, maybe read up on foreign policy, basic laws and how currency works. Also google Hillary Clinton so you can see what a leader actually does. For funsies!! 

In conclusion Mr. Trump, it's totally okay if you've never actually grabbed a pussy! That was a silly thing to say, wasn't it? Yeah, it was. Billy Bush will still think you're cool even if you've never even lightly grazed a single solitary pussy! I look forward to hearing more of your crazy old man rants, and to watching you dig your own grave again very soon! 

Warmest regards,

Amy Cobb
Pussy Owner

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Dad

Yesterday, July 5th, my dad, Richard Albert, died. He was diagnosed with Parkinson's about 12 years ago and from that developed an insidious type of dementia called Lewy Bodies, which causes a lot of physical issues and accelerates the Parkinson's decline. Basically he was served a shit sandwich with a side of fuck my life. My dad was a quirky guy with a weird sense of humor. He used to play with me by chasing me around the house with a hammer and pretend he was going to smash my little toes. He would pack our lunches with a dog treat that he carefully tin foiled so when we would open it up at lunch all the other kids would laugh and scream. He made us waffles with ice cream in the middle for breakfast and ONLY creamed corn for dinner. He drank buttermilk from the carton. And prune juice. He was private. He would take hour long poops just to be alone and think. He was a scientist and mathematician. He was always trying to work out these insanely impossible to solve equati...

Into Emotional Cutting? Cool, Read The Giving Tree!

If there is one thing I know about myself it is that I simply can't eat an ice cream sandwich with any sort of dignity. If there is a second thing I'm sure of, its that I am not emotionally healthy enough to handle the children's book The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. That book sends me into a sobbing fit so powerful I need my inhaler to pull me out safely. Every time I open the book I am cutting myself emotionally, and this post is a cry for help. If you're not familiar with this classic let me give you the cliff notes. It's about a boy and a tree. When the boy is young he loves the tree and hangs with it all the time, and the tree is so happy. They play and he climbs and he eats her apples and sleeps in her shade. The tree even allows the boy to carve their initials into her side that's surrounded by a heart. She loved this boy so much she allowed him to brand her permanently. Things were pretty awesome for a long time, until the boy got a...

Hi, my name is Amy, and I am a garbage mom.

I happen to be a part of the greatest Facebook mommy group of all time. It's filled with successful, interesting, hilarious and strong women who have kept me going on many an occasion. I can reach out to them about anything parenting related, no matter how small or embarrassing, and in almost every situation I get positive responses that are encouraging and helpful. Why does this qualify as the greatest mommy group of all time, you ask? Because this mommy group is a rare gem amongst the cubic zirconia's of social media life. It's an online community of women who actually support each other rather than tear each other down. More importantly, it's other moms who have been though the shit and we all can acknowledge that we are what is lovingly referred to as a "garbage mom", and I love them so much for it! The term "garbage mom" is thrown around a ton in my mommy group, and I heard it again today as I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts...