holycrapimyourmom

Becky was my first editor at one of my freelance writing jobs for AfterParty Magazine. She's not only kind and lovely, but just an all around badass. I feel so lucky to know her even a little bit, and honored she would write something for this blog. So without further adieu, ladies and..ladies (probably), here it is! I’m Trying to Raise a Son Who’s Not a Dick By Becky Sasso I’m not gonna lie. The day I found out I was pregnant with a boy I cried all the way home. Until that day I was certain my baby (which Pinterest told me was about the size of an avocado or apricot or some shit) was a girl. I had all kinds of fantasies about how I would be the most strong, positive, badass mom to a girl ever. I would finally have a captive audience for all my hard-won wisdom about how to do a perfect French braid and being a woman in a country that basically doesn’t give a shit about you unless you are a white man. My fantasy daughter and I would rock matching hairstyles and she would be a...

Dear Mr. Trump, I, like every other human woman on the planet, think you're pretty disgusting, and with this weeks leaked tape of you bragging to Billy Bush about how you're so famous that you can just grab women by their pussies, and they're totes okay with this, have only furthered our feelings of utter disgust. However, I'm grappling with the whole "grabbing" a pussy thing. Not only because it's abhorrent and pathetic, but because I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the mechanics of it.  You see, Mr. Trump, vagina's, pardon me, pussies, are pretty hard to grab. They're innies, not outies. You have an outie, sir, which is a lot easier to grab, but in order to "grab a pussy" I imagine you'd have some challenges. I've been really thinking about this, making diagrams and conducted a series of experiments on this subject, and here are my findings.  In order to really "grab" a pussy one must not onl...

When I was 22 I wore half tops. When I was 22 I got so hammered at a party that I walked through a screen door. When I was 22 I did Ecstasy a bunch. When I was 22 I would drink and drive a bunch. When I was 22 I thought my tits were the best things about me. When I was 22 I would talk shit about all of my friends behind their backs. When I was 22 I would smoke cigarettes. When I was 22 I showed up to an interview drunk. When I was 22 I thought blow jobs were "fun". When I was 22 I would do cocaine. When I was 22 I shaved off all my pubes. When I was 22 I would go a tanning salon. When I was 22 I thought I didn't have to pay my bills. When I was 22 I would have road rage. When I was 22 I had a tongue ring. When I was 22 I thought 30 was old AF. When I was 22 I had to move back in with my parents. When I was 22 I was in a cover band. When I was 22, I was an asshole. I made stupid decisions, said stupid things and behaved stupidly basically every day of my...

My husband just gave our 13 month old baby a plastic bag to "play with" as he worked on his fantasy football draft. I walked in the room at the exact moment she was putting it over her head, ripped it out of her hand and saved her from potentially suffocating. I shot my hubs the old "whatinthefuck?!" look I've perfected over the last couple of years, to which he replied, "What?!" He later admitted it probably wasn't the best decision he's ever made. Sometimes men don't make good decisions. Oddly, all of the bad decisions that have affected our country for the worse for so long were made by men. Interesting. So how come some people are still hanging onto this "how can I trust a woman to make all the decisions for me?" shit? Essentially, if Donald Trump is elected,  not only will he let this county play with that plastic bag until they suffocate themselves, he'll give them to you as a free gift when you buy his crappy stea...

My husband just gave our 13 month old baby a plastic bag to "play with" as he worked on his fantasy football. I walked in the room at the exact moment she was putting it over her head which could have lead to her suffocating. He later admitted it wasn't the best decisions he's made, even though he was standing right there. You know, most men don't always make good decisions. In fact, all of the bad decisions that have affected our country for the worse for so long were made by men. So why are some people still hanging onto this "can a woman with all her emotions make good decisions for our country" shit? Essentially, if Donald Trump is elected,  not only will he let this county play with that plastic bag until they suffocate themselves, he'll give them to you as a free gift when you buy his crappy steaks that he got passed as a bill as the only meat Americans can buy. I don't know about you, but I'd like to keep on breathing. Hillary ...

My husband just gave our 13 month old baby a plastic bag to "play with" as he worked on his fantasy football. I walked in the room at the exact moment she was putting it over her head and suffocated herself. He later admitted it wasn't the best decisions he's made, even though he was standing right there. You know, most men don't always make good decisions. In fact, all of the bad decisions that have affected our country for the worse for so long were made by men. So why are some people still hanging onto this "can a woman with all her emotions make good decisions for our country" shit? Essentially, if Donald Trump is elected,  not only will he let this county play with that plastic bag until they suffocate themselves, he'll give them to you as a free gift when you buy his crappy steaks that he got passed as a bill as the only meat Americans can buy. I don't know about you, but I'd like to keep on breathing. Hillary Clinton for Presid...

I have been a struggling comedian for as long as I can remember. Like, years and years and years. Sure, I've had some successful moments and of course me doing stand up lead to me meeting my husband which lead to me having my sweet baby (and ruined butt hole. If this reference doesn't make any sense, please scroll down to one of my previous posts regarding the butt hole business). I have had a million day jobs in between comedy work, begun projects that have failed miserably, produced shows that only one person has attended, racked up insane debt in order to do festivals, and once bombed so hard that a dude heckled me with "Kill yourself!" I have auditioned for hundreds and hundreds of commercials and shows, been put on "avail" and not booked so many times, cried in the bathroom after sucking at a big audition, yelled "I'm fucking quitting!!!!" to myself in my car on the way home from a terrible audition, and have eaten my weight in feelings i...