A Letter To The Baby In My Belly

I wrote this to my baby when she was still living in my belly, cockblocking me from all the fun things I used to love to do, like drink in the morning and run a fight club. Now my Bo is here, kicking ass and taking binkies. She's an LA kid, so she'll be totally fine. 

Anyhoo, here it is! 

PS. The end is hormone fueled. Oxytocin man, it's a mother fucker! ;)

Dear baby,

 

As it seems you will be born right here in sunny LA, I feel it is my duty as your mom to alert you to something called the "bullshit” factor here. It refers to the many, many, many times someone will say something to you that may not have the exact meaning of what they intend. This is a universal phenomenon, but here in LA it’s considered the second most widely understood language. Honestly, I'm pretty sure it's tied with Spanish (which you will also be learning because I really want you to teach ME!).

Here are a couple of examples of phrases you may hear that I would like to interpret for you, solely as a time saver.

Let’s start easy, shall we?

#1-“No offense, but…”

True meaning: I’m going to say something offensive to you. You’re going to be offended, but if you say you’re offended I already said you CAN’T be, because no offense! Jesus, you’re sensitive!

Ex: “No offense, but I don’t think that sketch you wrote was funny! I mean, no offense, but if wasn’t all that clever either. No one really believes that a cat really has the ability to drive a car, let alone work for Uber. No offense!”

#2. “I  don’t mean to judge, but….”

True meaning: Oh boy, am I judging! I’m so judgey! Wowie zowie, do I love judging! It’s so fun! I feel terrible about myself, so I’m going to push it off on others!

Ex: ” Ok, I don’t mean to judge, because who am I, right?, but she’s too fat to wear something like that! She’s a mom, I mean, right?! Are you going to finish that donut?”

#3. “Let’s go for a hike!”

True meaning: Let’s walk slightly uphill for a little bit with our coffees and our Lulu Lemon yoga pants.

Ex: “Oh my God, I need to exercise! Let’s go for a hike! I know the perfect hiking place, it’s a block away from my house and the peak is at this really cute bar!”

#4. “I am a total feminist, don’t get me wrong, I just don’t think a woman should be doing….”

True meaning: I’m not sure what feminist means. I hear people talking about it all the time. Does it mean I have to work all the time? I don’t like that. (side note, baby, this opinion is totally fine to have. Everyone is allowed to feel however they feel.)

Ex: “I am a total feminist, but I just don’t believe a woman should ever be the leader of our free world! I mean, I know how I get when I’m on MY period! I can’t get out of bed! It’s like, just call in those codes and get me some ice cream! Amitright?!”

#5. “Oh my God, I LOVE her/him/them!”

True meaning: When it comes from a group of catty girls-“I hate her/him/them!” When it comes from a group of catty boys “I admire her/him/them.” When it comes from an LA person in the business, “Do you know her/him/them?”

Ex: “Oh my God, Random Name? I LOVE them! They were so amazing in SOMETHING and I feel like it changed my life! Do you know Random Name?!”

#6. “I am super spiritual.”

True meaning: No I’m not but does this make me seem more interesting? God I miss the show "Friends" so much!

Ex: “I am just such a spiritual person. I mean, I am so connected to the spirit, it’s nuts. I light candles and everything!”

(Another side note baby, some people are, and either way it’s cool, but if they feel like they have to tell you about it all the time, they probably aren’t.)

#7 “I love you.”

True meaning: This is a tricky one. It means different things from different people. If you hear this from a boy(or girl, you are free to be who you are my love!), and you don’t really know them that well and they’re looking deep into your eyes and have had several beers, its means “Please, let me touch your boobs. I want to touch your boobs.”

If this comes from a friend who you don’t know very well but always seems like they need to borrow something from you, it means “I love that you always let me be a bad friend.”

If this comes from me or your Dad, or anyone in the family, either chosen or by blood,  it means “I love you, because you’re you and you’re awesome. I love you when you are at your best and at your worst. I love all your success’s and failures.  I love you because you are here and I’m so glad that you are.”

 

This kind of skims the surface baby, and there will be more, but if you ever have a question don’t hesitate to ask. That’s what me and your dad are here for!

 

We love you!

 

Mommy