holycrapimyourmom

I wrote this to my baby when she was still living in my belly, cockblocking me from all the fun things I used to love to do, like drink in the morning and run a fight club. Now my Bo is here, kicking ass and taking binkies. She's an LA kid, so she'll be totally fine.  Anyhoo, here it is!  PS. The end is hormone fueled. Oxytocin man, it's a mother fucker! ;) Dear baby,   As it seems you will be born right here in sunny LA, I feel it is my duty as your mom to alert you to something called the "bullshit” factor here. It refers to the many, many, many times someone will say something to you that may not have the exact meaning of what they intend. This is a universal phenomenon, but here in LA it’s considered the second most widely understood language. Honestly, I'm pretty sure it's tied with Spanish (which you will also be learning because I really want you to teach ME!). Here are a couple of examples of phrases you may hear that I w

Or, living room in our case. See, we live in a one bedroom apartment at the moment, and while it's a good sized one bedroom, it's still just a one bedroom. When it became clear that my kid wouldn't dare sleep, pardon me, allow anyone at all to sleep,  if we were anywhere near her person during night time hours, we surrendered our bedroom, along with our bed, clothes and other accoutrements in order to ever get any rest again. We now sleep on a futon in the living room, which technically means the name of this post should be "Married Sex: How To Keep it Hot in the Futon!" Sleeping on a futon in the living room of our one bedroom is EXACTLY as sexy as it sounds! You know what's even hotter than that? The things we say to each other to keep the fires of passion lit! Here is a top ten list of the sexiest sentences uttered by my husband or myself to either get us, or keep us, totally in the mood. Warning: this is entirely NSFW (Not Sexy For W-anyone!) 10. &qu

Recently my husband and I took our little babe on an airplane for the first time. Needless to say, we were both very nervous and not looking forward to that experience. While eager to have her hang with her grandparents and meet her cousins, we were convinced it would be a total shit show.                                           The Cobbs before take off, bracing themselves! Because flying typically sucks anyway, my old man and I always have a bit of a routine. We get to the airport a little too late, talk shit about all the people who bring way too many bags to check (Jesus, lady, it's a three hour flight from LA to Memphis, why are you checking 14 moving boxes?!), talk a little more shit about the asshole in front of us in the security line who can't seem to remember to take out his laptop before going though the metal detector, and is baffled and offended that they made him throw out his practically empty water bottle, (Dude, you're 40, how do you not know ho

When I was a little kid I loved Christmas SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much. We would travel to my grandparents house in Wilton, CT where we would decorate the tree and listen to Bing Crosby sing White Christmas, and sometimes it would even snow! On Christmas morning my brother and I would race downstairs to find that Santa had come and left piles of presents! He also really liked the cookies we left out, and he even left us a note thanking us, which mysteriously looked like my Grandfathers handwriting, but I had no time to do junior detective work, I had a million presents to rip open like a wild animal! As I got older my excitement for the holiday didn't wane, and even after learning that Santa wasn't real, and it was my family the whole time playing him, (I KNEW that handwriting looked familiar!) I still really enjoyed the occasion. It was fun to sit around with my family and do Christmas-y stuff. My Grams would smoke her Kent's and laugh a lot, Gramps would collect the wrapping pap